Last Post

I have decided to end this blog. Why? Well because I am not a housewife anymore and I really want to leave this part of my life behind me.

Here's what happened:

As most already know, my husband had to quit his job in order to keep his sanity. Well because of the stupid economy he took a little bit to find a replacement job. Because of this things swirled out of control. We got evicted and had to move in with a friend of ours.

For the first few weeks things were going very well. We had it good where we were living. She didn't expect anything from us that we couldn't give her. As long as we helped out with whatever we could she was fine with that.

About two weeks ago, my husband dropped a bomb on me that he wanted to have "some space" and he felt I should go to my mom's for a few days. Well I didn't let this happen. I felt that if there was something wrong, running away in our different directions was not going to solve anything. We were married after all and marriage is about working together when things get rough.

After that, things were back on track again. Or so I thought.

One day, I found out from our roommate that he was really serious about this break and if he didn't get it soon, he was just going to leave. I talked to him about things once again and he didn't tell me anything. Well nothing useful. I said things that were on my mind and I finally felt that he had actually heard me. I knew we weren't over the hump but I felt it was a step in the right direction.

On Thursday of last week (Sept 9), things came to a head. We were having a good morning, or so I thought and we were getting things done. We had received health insurance and we were on our way to getting him his much needed medications. We went to the clinic that we were assigned to and asked what we had to do to get him his prescriptions. They told us that we had to make an appointment on Friday morning for Monday morning and he could get them then.

This pissed him off and he stormed out of the clinic. I stayed behind to set up my appointment and went out to the car. When I got there I could tell that he was extremely upset and I left him alone out of respect. He asked me if my mom was home or if one of our other friends were home. I told him my mom was home and we drove over there.

When we got there, all hell broke loose. He told me we needed to talk and he said that he needed space and he wasn't going to take no for an answer. So here I am, at my mother's with nothing but my purse and it's contents. He came later that night and brought me more of my stuff. He told me that he just needed a few days to figure out what was going to happen and why he was acting the way he was. With no other choice, I gave it to him.

Friday passed without any word from him. Saturday morning and afternoon passed without any word from him. Late Saturday afternoon, I received a text message (A TEXT MESSAGE) from him saying that he couldn't do us anymore and he couldn't love someone who doubted him one minute and then tried to support him the next. I flew off the handle.

That was last week, and yet, it seems so far away. I am feeling better about things even though I really don't know anymore now than I did last week. But this is my last post as a housewife. I feel it's time for me to move on and I don't feel like taking any of the past with me.

Good-bye to the four years we had together. Good-bye readers.

Wow, I can't believe you just said that.

Like many other married couple out there my husband and I fight. Most of the time it is just small banter back and forth about what is currently bothering us at the time. But there are times (a few more times than I would have liked) where things get rather heated. Neither of us want to fight with each other. I love how we are but when we fight, I sometimes do not even recognize my husband or myself for that moment in time. Things are said that we would not say consciously or things that we regret the moment the words leave our mouths.

In case you have not guess what this is about let me tell you; my husband and I are facing some tough times right now. With all the added stress (a new job for him where he has to prove himself, making sure we keep our new roommate happy so we still have a roof over our heads and just a basic loss of privacy) we have been on opposite sides right now when we need to be standing together so we can get through this road block. Both of us are talking to the other, but neither one of us is listening to the other. I feel he does not listen to me so I do not listen to him and vice versa.

Well things came to a head the other day and the lid just could not keep our emotions in the pot. We began by arguing about money (which is a hot topic for a lot of couples) and it went from there.

What hit me the most was a specific statement he made. At one point he simply said "I think we need a vacation from each other, maybe you should stay at your moms for a week". My first instinct was to smack him upside the head for being an idiot, but then a cooler (only slightly cooler) voice told me to just hear him out. He felt that maybe us being away from each other would help us to get over whatever was going on causing us to be fighting. He did not want to talk about it, he just wanted to lay it out there.

I just do not understand how sending me away (like a disobedient child) was going to help the situation. If I would have left (which I am NOT doing) all that would have happened was space. Nothing would have gotten dealt with or cleared up. There would still be one or two emotions that would be lingering and then the whole process of stuffing down the feelings would start all over. It may be good for a few days, weeks, months, or whatever time amount, but one day, the lid will no longer be able to keep everything in and we would be right back at square one.

A lot of other things were said and there were even some compromises of both of our parts, but I really do not feel we have accomplished anything. I still feel hurt by his willingness to just have me leave when things got complicated. I still do not understand if he felt that was something that would help why was he not the one to leave. He tells me not to over analyze the situation or other situations for that matter, but I really think I have to. I mean, if my husband thinks that us being apart is going to solve our problem, I have to really look at my own actions and wonder why he felt this was an option and talking to me was not something he thought of.

I am a woman. It is in my blood, my chemical makeup, to over analyze things. I have to look at everything and try to find where I went wrong. The only way I am going to learn from this experience is if I look back and find what was the breaking point. Once I know what happened, I can file that away and find different ways to handle certain situations. In order for us to fix what is broken, we need to know exactly what is broken, how bad it is broken and what it is going to take to fix. Besides, super glue does wear off after while, I do not want my married to fall apart in the same manner but putting a band aid on things and hope they go away for good this time.

He has been making a good effort today and I have tried to make sure I have a good day myself so I do not bombard him with a moody wife as soon as he gets home. Hopefully know he will see that I really do want this marriage to work and last. I also think that once we have a little more privacy we will being to have the ability to get some of our feelings out on the table. I am going to fight for my marriage.

So Apperantely...

So somehow, I've transformed into a super house wife....Don't know when that happened of how I LET that happen, but happen it did. Now I just need to figure out why.

Since the beginning of out relationship, my husband has been aware that I am lazy. Yes, I said it, I am lazy....Very lazy. But the beautiful thing about our relationship was the fact that he was just as lazy. He knew from the beginning that I don't cook (well big meals, but I will make pasta or something small) and I don't wash dishes. He was fine with this. At one point he even started doing the laundry, which I don't have any problems doing, because the washers were on the other side of the complex.

Well since we've been living with someone who cleans almost all day (she has people in and out of the house everyday and she likes to have things look good) he thinks that that's what I should be doing. Well I DO, just not everyday. I clean off HIS desk, put away HIS dirty clothes, HIS huge ass shoes (he wears a size 16 EEEE), and I wash clothes. So what's the problem? Well I have no fucking clue.

This morning he tells me (30 minutes before he has to leave for work mind you) that he has no clean over shirts. Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it thirty minutes BEFORE he goes to work? Magically wash AND dry something for him in that amount of time? I don't think so. He asked me what laundry I did yesterday and where it was. I told him it was still in the washer cause our roommates clothes were still in the dryer (plus, it's a slow dryer, takes about two cycles for the clothes to actually be dry). So (not even fully awake yet), I went and found him a shirt. When he comes to see that it's not a shirt he wants to wear he begins to act like I've done something wrong.

Then he tells me that I need to make sure that I wash whites today because we are running low. I informed him that I was aware of this and he gets all bent out of shape "Well, I'm just saying because our whites are with all of our clean clothes". Which my response to was "What do you mean?" He went nuts! "Well the white basket with the DIRTY clothes is near the clean clothes"....I still didn't understand what he meant.

Let me give some background: We have all of our clothes in the garage, in baskets. Why? Well our roommate is transforming the garage into a room, with a closet so we can (eventually) put our clothes in. In the meantime we have all of our clothes in baskets. The white basket in this instance is in a corner of the garage and far away from any clean clothes. As far as I was concerned, that basket had not been moved. Again, I had just gotten up and from the time we went to bed last night to the time that all this happened, I was under the impression that it was still in the same spot.

I don't know if he thinks that just because we are living with someone who is constantly cleaning, that I should have no excuse in why the clothes aren't done. Well I do have "excuses".

1. She has meetings all through out the day (in the home and in the dinning room, where the machines happen to be) and I'm sure they don't want to go the whole meeting hearing the washing machine and having me go back and forth in there to move my clothes or add more.
2. She had clothes in the dryer. She knew she had clothes in the dryer. She didn't take them out or put them to cycle again. So how the HELL was I supposed to put our clothes in the dryer when her's were STILL in there?
3. I'm not a MIND READER! How the hell was I supposed to know that he didn't have any clean over shirts? (Which he did have one, by the way, he just didn't want to wear that specific one). He needs to TELL me that he's RUNNING LOW, not that he's completely out THE DAY HE HAS TO WORK!

Again, I don't know if it's because we live with someone who is a super mom, but he needs to stop thinking that this is how I'M supposed to be. He's known for the past three and a half years that this is NOT who I am, nor is this someone I WANT to be! Why do men think that just because one woman does something that ALL woman should do exactly that? It's driving me crazy, and it needs to end, soon.

A journey into the mind

My brain has been on my mind lately. Allow me to explain; I have Boraderline Personality Disorder. Well, I have not been "properly" diagnosed, you know by a doctor or anything, but the idea of the disorder was "suggested" by a therapist. For some reason, my mom thought that I was a "very depressed child". Well that was according to the counseling sheets I found one day while going through my old papers. My mom had told the counselor that I was moody, depressed, and defiant. Well yeah, I WAS SIX! And my dad and her were going through a divorce at the time. If a child whose parents are splitting up isn't depressed, then there is something MORE wrong with the child. Being depressed when you are dealing with a stressful situation is normal.

When I was 16, I have a melt down. That morning was like any other morning. I woke up, got ready and left the house without a hitch. Arrived at school and followed my normal schedule. I was in my last class when it happened. My skin was crawling and I felt like I was burning up. From there, things got worse. At some point I blacked out and I don't really remember what happened from that point on. I awoke to find myself in the hospital. My mom was there and she told me that my dad was on his way. The doctor came in and asked me if I remembered what happened. I told him what I knew, he nodded and walked away.

The next day a counselor came in and told my mom, dad and myself that she "felt" I was bi-polar. She explained what some of the symptoms of that disorder was and asked me how often things like this happened. I told her the feelings come and go, sometimes lasting a few day, sometimes lasting a few hours. She said a few other things and then she said, "Well these things happen". Just like that. With no other words, matter of factually, and walked out.

After I was released from the hospital (our insurance only let me stay there for three days) my mom took me to a therapist. After a two hour meeting with this lady (she was no doctor mind you) we came to the "suggested" diagnoses: Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I was 16, not harmful to myself or others (other than hurting my mom's feelings sometimes when I flew off the handle at her for no reason), and would go long periods without experiencing any type of symptoms, I was not put on medication. (Besides, our insurance sucked so we couldn't afford the medication anyway, it was too expensive). What I was going to do instead was go to the allowed number of meetings with this therapist that my insurance would allow. This turned out to be once a week for 6 weeks.

Now that I look back on all of this I realize, 6 weeks was NO WHERE enough time to get anywhere with this type of disorder. Yes, I still have long periods of time where I do not experience any symptoms, but when I do happen to have an "episode" (as my husband and I have come to call them) they can be pretty bad. There have been a few times when I will begin a fight out of nothing but my need (and want) to have conflict. And there have been a few times when my spells will last a week or more.

Without insurance, it is hard to put a finger on what exactly is going on. There are times when I will lie down for bed and my mind is just whirring with movement. I will begin to think of something and my mind will just float away with itself and lead me down a rabbit hole, so to speak.

Now I'm sure there are some people out there who may think that I'm just a "moody female" (and I can be, I mean I am a woman, it's natural) but let me assure you, this is MUCH more than just being "moody". Don't get me wrong, I do try different things to help and keep things in check and balanced so I am not a completely neurotic house wife, but there are days when I can't do anything to "snap" out of it.

Here are some things that I found have helped me to remain balanced (for anyone who may be wondering the same): I try and meditate once a day. I have a part of the house just for me where I have my music, candles, some white noise in the background (I like the sound of rain) and myself. I don't let myself go for more than 30 minutes but the time that I take for myself really helps when I find things are about to tense up. If, though out the day, I feel that I need to take a "time out" (again, something else my husband and I have come up with... More on that in a minute) I will go to my area (if I can. If I can't, I will make do) and try to center myself.

I also keep a daily journal, other than this blog. I use the journal to write down the journey my mind sometimes takes when things are calm (my mind is a kid, can't ever win the quiet game). I use the entries to see where exactly my mind goes and I also use it to keep as a daily logging if I ever do get an opportunity to see a doctor.

The most important tool I have is my support system. In the beginning, my mother was very stuck on the fact that I was just trying to cry out for attention because I was no longer the only child (which was so NOT the case, I adore my baby brother). These days, she's a little more understanding. My husband and I go on the principle of communication. From the beginning of the relationship he has known about this and we have a few rules, if you will, when I begin to experience any symptoms. The main rule is communication. If I feel agitated one day, we will try and figure out what is causing the aggravation. If I can't figure out why I am agitated, I will say so and we will drop it. When I feel that I need to be alone, we call it a "time out". This is when I go to my area and try to calm myself.

Some days are worse than others. And there are times when my episodes can last longer than I can deal with. But with communication and determination (and the occasional use of cannabis, but that's another post) we get through those days. Of course, there are good days too. And sometimes, they can last for long periods of time too.

Why, thank you!

I have been in school for almost three years now. Most of my classes were filled with paper after paper and so on. Week end and week out, I would be spending most of my weeks working on finding the appropriate research material, outlining all the information correctly, writing, editing, writing again, running it through the many “required” engines the school offers, writing again, having one more look, and then finally turning it in.

I don’t have much time after the completion of a paper to marvel on my good, hard, dedicated work. This is normally because I have yet another paper that I have to begin work on (not to mention the 3 or 4 chapters I have to read throughout the week as well) and it is just easier to continue on rather than take a moment to give myself some self recognition (as a psychology student I do realize that I should take the time to marvel, but, sometimes, it is better to just keep going and then take the much needed break after all the papers have been turned in).

The day I do wait for, however, is the day my professor posts the grade and feedback for the paper that I labored away at for hours (well alright, more like an hour or two, my blog, I can put a greater emphasis on what work I did). This is the time where I can see what it was that my paper lacked or had too much of. This is when I expect my professor to give me some constructive criticism, you know “this part was good, but I think you could have said it better this way…” or “good transition between paragraphs. Next time try and do this…” Anything, no matter how small, would have been greatly appreciated. Sadly, this was not the case. All I would normally get was “need to work on your grammar” or “be sure to follow APA guidelines”. That, to me, is rather vague. I mean its one thing to tell me that I have an issue with my grammar, but, along what lines? Why is my grammar an issue? Explain it to me. That way, I will know, exactly what my mistake was and how to fix it so, on the next paper, I won’t be told anything about my grammar. No, that’s all that I get, that it’s wrong. So, the next paper comes and, again, I am told that I have a problem with grammar. With no way to fix it.

That all changed with this professor. He actually gave me something that I could work with. He also surprised me. He told me that I was a great writer (no, really, that’s exactly what he said) and, here’s the best part, he gave me some good tips on how to improve my grammar! It was as easy as him taking the time to really look at my paper and then he just typed it out for me, in black and white.
After reading all the things he had to say, I was rather proud of myself. I have written a lot of papers in my time (shit, high school was actually right about something, you DO write nothing but papers in college) but I have never received any feedback like this. Well, I did, once, when I was in elementary school. But that didn’t count… I stole the story from some book or something (hey, I was a kid, I didn’t know what plagiarism was, give me a break). Either way, I had never received feedback that hit me as this one did.

There had been a point, rather recently too, in my life where I felt that I really wasn’t getting the full advantage that I should be getting from school. I began to question my chosen career field and started to feel like all I was doing was wasting everyone’s (my husband’s and mine mostly) time, money and frustration. Knowing that I am actually getting the material and putting it to use (in my own life as well) and writing good papers, is just the reassurance that I needed. I now have a pride in myself that wasn’t there before and I feel like the next paper I work on (it’s due tomorrow) will provide the same feeling for me.

Now, I do realize how silly getting feedback from a professor would make me have a renewed pride in myself sounds, but I have had a rough three years in school and in life during this journey, that I didn’t want everything to be in vain.
I now know that I am a good writer and that I really am starting to grasp the material. I just can’t wait until I can put all of this information to good use. One day...

Letter to my body.

Dear Body,

Hi there! It's me! So, we've known each other for a long time now, 25 years to be exact. And I feel comfortable in saying that I have come to know you rather well over the years. I know when you are hungry. I know when you are tired. I know when you don't want to get out of bed. I know when you want to just jump up and run a mile, then you quickly get a reminder from your downstairs neighbor Mr. Kneecap that he is still (and will always be) messed up from the surgery SEVEN YEARS AGO! I know when you are feeling ill, and strangely, I can honestly say that I feel your pain, literally.

Anyway, my point is, I know you. Sometimes, I know you better than you know yourself. Because I know you and we have had this wonderful (sometimes painful) relationship for so long, I feel that I should be the one to tell you what has been on a lot of people's minds. What the HELL is wrong with you?

And before you get all upset and hurt (really, I can't handle that tonight, please and thanks), let me explain that I mean this with all the love and adoration possible. I am your friend and I have been beginning to see that you have a problem. At first it started off small and then it went away at one point. When it came back the second time, I said to myself that you would kick it again this time. And you did... for a very little while.

This is the third time. I, for one, cannot let this continue. As one of your closest friends (I know, you don't have many) I feel that it is my job, no my right, to tell you that you need to get some help. Or at least get your priorities straight to begin with.

You need to find away to being to function properly, without your little lapses from time to time. This time needs to be final, as in no more. I will not stand for the sleepless nights. I will not stand for the constant trips to the bathroom (no matter if it just for you to pee, I don't know what you can get into in there alone). I WILL NOT stand the CONSTANT interruptions right when something "personal" is about to happen (this REALLY has happened for the last time, next time you do that, I'll....I'll...well I'll do SOMETHING!@).

Bottom line, I'm putting my foot down (or your foot, whatever) and I will not let this ruin you! From this moment on you are going to take vitamins daily! You will watch what you eat (and I don't mean looking at it then eating it....p o r t i o n s, PORTIONS!) and you will drink more water! You now have a limit on the amount of sugar you can eat each day (and to Mrs. Sweet tooth, this is not up for discussion, it WILL happen). I have also come up with a plan to get you and Mr. Kneecap back into a well working relationship (I think that will work best for everyone in the end) and you two will be spending more time doing activities together.

I hope you don't find my new rules to demanding. And if you do, to bad. I will be there (with other by my side) to make sure that you do EXACTLY what you are supposed to do, everyday. Well alright, I may let you slide a little one day of the week, but that all depends on how you do DURING the week.

Well that is all for now, I should go and let you get your rest now. You are going to need it... In the morning, HELL begins!

No, just kidding! It won't be hell, but it won't be easy either. Hang in there and we will get through this.

Love,

Me

P.S- And NO! You CANNOT have that sandwich you wanted to get before you went to bed! Don't do it...

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you're gonna get it!

What is going on with people today? I mean, does no one realize what the meaning of the word marriage means anymore? Why is it that women always want what they can't have? I'll tell you why, because we were all raised to be princesses who get everything the want no matter the cost. Well at least that's what someone of us believed. For the others who think that this is still true: GROW UP! Now I know that there are a lot of people out there who don't want to get married and will stay in a "common law" marriage (depending on what state you live in) for the rest of their lives, so when something bad happens, you just go your separate ways and move on from the situation. Or you fight for a little bit, have a few people in between, make up and put all the people you screwed while you were "taking a break" behind you.

Well marriage is different. Not only is divorce EXPENSIVE, but it's ugly. All the things that nasty things that get thrown around, and then there's the shit talking on top of all of that. Bring kids into the mix, and things just get worse. Marriage is something that I, like most people, do not take for granted. I did that the first time around and I ended being separated from my husband before I was 20 (yes I know that I was young, sue me). I knew that this time around I wasn't going to let anyone, myself included, mess up my marriage. Well I bust my ass to make sure that my man is happy, but I guess there are just some bitches out there, and (let's face it) men, who don't know when to say NO! And I lump men into that category because some of them think with the wrong head when it comes to important situations.

I understand that mistakes can (and do) happen. I understand that no one is perfect. What I do not and may never understand, is how a man (and many women) can think that if they are sneaking around, they WON'T GET CAUGHT! Again, I understand people make mistakes. Yeah, the mistake of thinking they are immune to getting caught or into trouble. The bulk of this post is mainly thrown towards one person (female), but it has to do with all men and women who think with the wrong part of their body.

Oh yes, and it is not wise to lie to someone who knows you better than you know yourself! If this person knows the kind of sounds that come out of your body while you sleep at night, then they will know that you are lying. Plain and simple. They know how you sound when you are fishing for the words to say that will (hopefully) get across that you are not trying to cover something you just did wrong. Let me give an example. A mom walks into the room just as the soccer ball crashes into the lamp. The only one around is the son (or daughter) who 1. looks like he (or she) just did something wrong 2. their eyes are darting all across the room looking for someone else to blame. Once they realize that there is no one else there and Mom pretty much saw everything she needed to see, it's time to think......quickly. This is when the sweating starts, the trying to suck up kicks in (giving hugs, trying to give kisses, or saying something completely random that has nothing to do with said task at hand just to try and get your mind off of the fact that something wrong has been done), or fumbling with words as they say them (when you know damn well that they are completely capable of forming complete sentences even when under the extremest pressure).

Mom's and Wives are one in the same when it comes to knowing their children and husband. They know when they are lying. So the next time I say that what I walked into the kitchen on, was not really what you said had happened (cause I know for damn sure you didn't "fall into her"), you will know that I'm dead serious when I tell you to get the hell on the sofa, cause you are NOT getting anymore privileges. Maybe you should go to "her" house, she may be able to get you everything you are not getting from me. But be careful, if her boyfriend finds out, I won't be the least of your worries.

I'm just saying.

Hey stop that! Wait, you're not my child.

Why is it that I always find myself getting after other people's children? I'm sure I'm not the only one who does this and I may not be the only one who has asked themselves this exact same question. I feel that I should examine this further.

Alright here's the scenario. Our roommate has two girls. They are very well behaved (yes I know, everyone says this at one point or another about some other person's kids, and they even say that about their own kids), they listen well, keep to themselves mostly, and have a good sense of humor. I have not once, in the short time we have been here, heard their mom yell at them or punish them for anything. Yes, there has been a few times (and when I say a few, I literally mean twice) when she has had to remind them of who they are talking to but nothing worse than that.

Well of course young girls have friends and since it is summer most parents are more than willing to get rid of their kids for a few days (you'll see why I believe these parents dropped their kids here in a bit). Around 7 this morning there were two new quests in the house. I was slightly awaken when they were telling their father good-bye but then I fell back to sleep. Not even FIVE minutes later, I was awake. They were so loud that sleeping was not an option anymore.

This continued ALL DAY. They have calmed down a bit, but that's mostly because one of them is asleep and I'm sure the other two are almost ready for that as well.

So here's where my disciplining other people's children comes into play. My roommates oldest daughter is 15, a good age, and she mainly keeps to herself on her computer. Well of course the other three look up to her and want to be around the cool teenager. Well this specific teenager isn't the type to be "hovered over". She would rather be left alone to her own devices. Well the youngest one decided that she was going to see how long she could push the teenagers buttons and had asked if she could have a turn on the computer. After told that her sister had already been promised the next turn she decided that wasn't good enough for her. She wanted her turn now, and she wasn't going to let anyone be happy until she got her way.

For the next 30 minutes (I kept track) she went on and on with her question. Each time the teenager said no, she would say "please"....

No
Please
No
Please
No
Please
No

On and on and on and on and....well you get the idea. Finally it got to the point where I noticed that the teenager was loosing her cool. After awhile, every time our eyes met she would mouth "Help". I calmly told her that it was so and so's computer and if she said her sister was first to have a turn, that was the final answer. She ignored me, but she rolled her eyes at me first as if to say "I don't know you, so I'm not going to listen". Well by this point she felt it was a good idea to begin to slightly move the table, thus making everything on the table shake, including my laptop. I asked her if she could please cease in doing that and again I got ignored. This went on for a little while longer until I finally couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want the teenager to explode to her and I didn't want to explode at her myself. I took the teenager to her mom's room and we sat down for a minute to talk about what was happening and how we were going to handle the situation so no one would feel put on the spot.

Well needless to say, the little girl was mad at us for most of the evening. Whenever we would talk to her she would huff and stomp off like what had happened has just happened and it wasn't hours ago. She spent most of the night proclaiming that her parents "let me do whatever I want, whenever I want and they never tell me no". Man I wanted to just get in her face and say "life does not revolve around you. There will always be people in front of you who will get the to do what you wanted to do first. Suck it up and get used to it now".

Why do I feel compelled to discipline other people's kids!?! I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I feel a child should not always get their way and they should know how to talk and listen to those that are older than them. It is a big pet peeve of mine to see children who disrespect their elders and it is an even BIGGER pet peeve when the elders LET them show them so much disrespect. Now I do not condone hitting a child, because they teaches them noting, but I do believe in putting a child in their place and telling them they are not allowed to talk to their elders in any other manner than polite. Well that is my rant for the day. What are your feelings on other people's kids?

Let me off this thing!

I really dislike when things come down to the wire and you have to make a snap judge decision. That is what this past week has been for my husband and I. We got "served" on the 6th of July and our court date was set for June 16, this past Friday. Interestingly enough, our apartment manager told us that "we didn't have to show up to court" and that they would take care of everything. Yeah. Come on, I was born at night, but it wasn't LAST night! I wasn't going to fall for that. And we didn't. Right at 2 o'clock on Friday afternoon, we strolled into the court room with our heads held high. Come to find out we were the only ones from the complex that actually showed up (I guess all the others believed when the office said they didn't have to go).

The judge calls our name and we go up there along with the manager and assistant manager. The judge asks for the lease, and asks us to make sure that was in fact our lease. It was. He then asked the balance and turned to my husband and asked what happened (like I wasn't even there). My husband informed him that he had lost his job and things just came at us all at once and we couldn't catch up. The judge shook his head and his verdict was in favor of the apartments, which of course we expected. We have to pay the amount we are past due and all of the court costs. Yeah, hold on, let me pull 2000 dollars out of my ass real quick. Shit, we didn't even have enough gas to get home, let alone pay anything on our past due amount.

When we got home there was a letter on our door from the apartments. Man they are determined to get us out of there. It said we had five days from that day to vacate or they would get the sheriff to come and watch while they took all of our stuff from the apartment. Well this was fine, we were planning on being out of there by Monday (yesterday) anyway. So I call up our "roommates" and inform them that we do need to be out by Monday and if they were able to secure a truck. Well this is where the story gets interesting.

Now if you remember correctly (or if you read on a regular basis) my "roommate" is called Ma in this blog. Well I need to put a name to her husband so I will just say, Butters. Why butters? Because if you have seen South Park, and know who the character is (all his "quirks") then you have a general idea of who this man is.

Here's the story:

Ma and Butters had found an apartment. This was a good apartment. It was in our price range and everything fell into place with the move in special and all that jazz. Well I asked Ma if she was going to need any help from us money wise. She said no, she had everything covered, for us to just take care of food to make sure everyone can eat. This was fine by me. Well something happened (Butters has bad credit and failed to tell anyone of this little fact) and we had to pay more just to get the keys for the apartment. Well Ma knew better than to ask me for anything because she knew that I spent everything on food and gas. Butters on the other hand decided he was going to finally be a man and spoke up; "So are you guys gonna help us with any of this extra money we need to put up?" To which my response was "No, where did you think all the food came from, the food fairy? We don't have anything to give you that will help". All hell broke loose. He went off the rails with how we aren't helping and "maybe it's not a good idea if we do this".

So here we were, Friday evening and no where to go. My husband called his family and I called mine. No one wanted to help (that's a completely different post all on its own) or "couldn't" help. We were ready to just live in our car when our guardian angel came and lifted us up. She is an old friend of mine and my husband's who we lost contact with for awhile (distance can do that). She didn't even care what our situation was, she wanted us to move everything into her place and stay with her. *Plot twist* While my husband was on the phone with her, Ma called me. She told me how bad Butters felt about everything he said and they didn't want to see us end up in the street, for us to come and stay with them anyway.

So instead of having no place to go, we had two places to go. Now it was time to weigh out everything and see where the best place for us to go was. Well our decision was easily made for us. On Saturday, Ma sent me a message saying that they already needed help with next month's rent and if we were going to stay there how much could we help with. I gave her the facts. My husband only works Friday, Saturday and Sunday's. He will get Thursday and sometimes even a Monday if the work is there. He gets about 150 to 300 dollars a check. We have our phones to pay, our car insurance, gas needs to be put in the car and food needs to be put on the table. I told her that we would help with food and give some towards the small bills but we wouldn't be able to help with rent. Well I felt we were just going around in circles. I mean they needed help with the rent and we haven't even MOVED IN yet! I knew living with them wasn't going to be a good idea. We would never be able to get back on our feet if that was the case.

So we moved in with my husband's friend. The move was completely stressful. We didn't know what to take, leave or put in storage. We struggled with cleaning the apartment or just leaving it a clean mess (where we put all the trash in bags but don't take the bags out). We also were stressing on how we were going to get all our big furniture from one place to another. Since we weren't moving with with Ma and Butters, they weren't going to help us move (I guess their way of punishing us) so we needed a truck. We were finally able to find a few people to help us move, but man it was difficult to see so many things go into the trash or have them given away.

In the end, we are so much better off. We finally completed everything today and turn in the keys. We decided on leaving the apartment a clean mess. They were making me leave, I wasn't going to let them have all the fun. I can just imagine the look on their faces when they walked into the apartment and saw four HUGE trash bags full to the brim with stinky, smelly trash. Oh man what I would have given to be a fly on the wall at that exact moment. It would have given my little fly body such a shiver.

We are most comfortable with our new living arrangements. Our new roommates are fun to be around and they don't want anything from us but our help around the house and some money as we can afford it. We know that we are going to have three meals a day and there is plenty of room for all of us to spread out and do our own thing. Only drawback, we went from sleeping on a King sized bed every night, to sleeping on a queen sized sofa bed. Hey it's all good. We have a good roof over our head, our belly's are full and will stay that way, and we are much happier being here.

I love the new sparkle that is in my husband's eyes, and I love the new surge of energy and positivity I have going on within me. I really do believe that this move was for the best.

Now the wait for more doors to open is on. Hopefully they don't take to long to swing open.

The First Year

One year ago today, I married the most wonderful man! This is a big day for me. Aside from the fact that we are celebrating the wonderful journey we have gone through this past year, I am having an internal celebration.

Allow me to explain. This is my second marriage. When I was nineteen, I rushed into a marriage with someone I barely knew. Needless to say, this was a huge mistake. What I thought was going to last forever lasted only four months before I ran screaming for the hills. The details that lead up to this are not important, just the fact that it lasted as long as it did.

After the split, I kinda gave up on having a relationship with anyone. I focused on working and finding myself again. About a year and a half later, I began to notice an old friend of mine paying closer attention to me then he had before. When I had a bad day, he was there. When I needed some help with repairs (things I couldn't do myself), he was there. One day he offered to come over and upgrade my computer so I wouldn't have any problems when I was online or working on anything simple. While he was at my house he cooked for me, cleaned up after himself (that's important to me) and we just sat on the couch watching a movie and fell asleep in each others arms.

He never left.

Believe me, we have had our ups and downs (they both equal out) and we even had times where we thought this was the end. But we stuck together and got through it stronger and more in love with each other. Hell, this was all before we were married.

Our wedding day was beautiful. Small, we were poor, but beautiful. We found a nice little hall that had a good sized room for what we wanted. All the important people were there. We didn't have a lot of food, fun or entertainment, but we had love and family so that is all that mattered. Our minister was our best friend so that was something nice that we share together with him.

Even though this year has brought us a lot of headaches, heartache, and trying times, we made it, and we are still very much in love. Now that we have gotten over the hump of the first year, I think we can tackle anything else that comes our way....

Like....Kids! Well one can hope that will happen soon. Hell, we've been trying for the past three and a half years....I think we are due a beautiful child right about now!

What's bugging me at the moment

This friend of mine, for this blog we will call her Ma, has a 5 month old baby. I adore this child almost as if he were mine. She is a wonderful mother and friend. The thing that is really getting to me right now is her husband. Now don't get me wrong, he is a good friend (sometimes) and he does work to help with bills and things, but what he doesn't do is help Ma with the baby.

Here's an example: Today he went into work at 10 30. Ma, my husband and I (along with the baby) went out into the heat to try and find an apartment (they are the friends we are moving in with). We were out from 11 until about 2 30. No A/C in the car and having the windows down didn't help at all. We get back and are still trying to cool off when he gets to our house. As soon as he walks through the door he announces that there were not that many customers today and he didn't have a single one until around 1. As soon as he says that, he goes to lay down and falls asleep. Not asking how the hunt went, not asking how the baby was, not giving his wife a kiss, not even saying anything to the baby.

Now yes, I know he did go to work and working is hard...Not his job. Believe me I know, my husband used to work in the same place and it was easy work. Hell, I know other people who have worked there (doing the exact same thing as this guy) and they tell me that it's the easiest job they have ever had.

So why, you ask, is this bugging me? Well first of all, she's my best friend and she's getting the shit end of the stick. They both work, her harder than him some days, and they both have to take the bus in the heat to get home. But, when she is working and he is off, he will hand her the baby as soon as she walks through the door. Just "here ya go, he wants his mom" and he goes to sleep or does whatever he can to keep from having to help her.

It also bugs me because that baby needs his father. All babies need their father. This baby is 5 months and instead of saying dada (which is what most babies say first because it's easier) he says mama for everything. He doesn't even say dada....at all, or even try to!

I just don't understand why he thinks he has things so hard that he gets to take a nap when he should be spending this time with his family. Especially his son, seeing as these are still the most crucial months for brain development.

I think I'm so sensitive to this because I adore this child and I want him to have everything I didn't, like a relationship with his father. Also, I see how much this hurts Ma, and that hurts me as well. I know that he's a man and that sometimes they don't feel that they can do anything to calm the baby, but shit, TRY! Ma had given him the baby because he was crying and she got a little aggravated (she was trying to put him to sleep)....He held the baby for about 10 minutes saying, the whole time, "oh you want your momma". Then asked why he was crying. She told him that it was because he was tired and that she was trying to put him to bed but he wouldn't go to sleep. He completely ignored her and asked if she could change his diaper......of course she did, and he went right back to sleep.

If I knew that my saying anything would help the situation, believe me I would say something. But I know what kind of person he is and I know that he would just give me some bull shit excuse about having to get up early, go to work, and then walk the 5 minutes it take to get from the store to our house in the heat. He is completely oblivious to the fact that he is hurting his marriage by doing this.

It is really hard to bite my tongue, but I know it's not my place to say anything and, out of respect for Ma, I won't. Of course, I will vent to my husband when they leave and tell him that he sure as hell better not be that way. Because if he is, I will not be as reserved about it like Ma is. Oh no! All hell will break loose and I will tell him like it is.

Well I am here for her and I try to take the baby as much as I can to give her a break, but I'm not her husband, and all I can do is listen.

So that's what I will do, give her and the baby lots of love, and listen. That's what friends are for after all.

It's Father's Day...

I normally dread this time of year. Yes I have a father, yes I love him, but we have a strange relationship. There was a period in my life where we didn't talk for five years and, actually, I feel I was better off in that time. Well, alright, I still feel that way to this day. But I do have uncles, cousins, a grandfather, and male friends who are fathers. So to them and all the other father's out there today, Happy Father's Day. And thank you for having the balls to do what is right, whatever that means for you, by your children.

Now back to my dad. I have been struggling all day (I got up early today, so it's been a long day already) with the idea of calling him. Hell, I'd even e mail him if I had the courage...and the words. You see, in dealing with my father, it is easier to think of his as being a mine field. Meaning, when you say, do or ask anything that he feels is wrong, he will blow. Now it will be small bursts at first, with a moment of smooth sailing, but the next time you step on one, you won't know it until after you feel the sting in your face. Now I am not in any words saying that my father hits me, don't misunderstand. What I am saying, is, his words and looks tend to feel like a slap in the face.

Well who the hell am I kidding...my father is a very verbally and emotionally abusive man. His words will cut into the core and make you begin to question exactly what do you believe in. Growing up, this was some scary shit. I always felt like he was right about everything, he knew because he had been out there in the world a lot longer than I had. Of course now I know differently, he was using bullying tactics to keep me believe that he was all knowing and superior. It took a lot for me to stand up to my dad and it still takes a lot for me to be in the same room with him for long periods of time. I'm normally very comfortable and relaxed when I am in the company of others. But it's different when I'm around my dad. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that I have to watch what I do and say around him. For whatever reason, every time I'm around my dad, I feel like a little girl again.

This is the pickle that I have put myself in. Right before I got married, my dad and I had a really bad fight. He had helped me get some furniture for my new and first apartment. Shortly after that, my husband (my fiance at the time) and I were able to get our first new, used car. I gave my dad a call and left a message, he didn't answer. While waiting for him to call me back, I went to my mom's to pick up my siblings. As we were leaving he called me back. I started to tell him all about the car and sharing my excitement. When I was finished, he said nothing. After, for what seemed like forever, it was only about a minute, he spoke. "This is what you called about?" I replied, yes. He hung up on me. Called back about 10 minutes later, said for me not to speak and just listen. He yelled so loud that my husband began to fight me to get the phone out of my hand. I listened to it all. Took it all in. When he was finished, I let him have it. Didn't talk to him after that for another two years.

As my wedding grew closer, I reached out to him. I mean, what bride doesn't want her dad there to walk her down the isle. I wanted to do this right, and have my dad be the one walking me down the isle to my wonderful husband to be. He became the typical father of the bride. Over analyzing everything, making sure everything was going perfectly. He was excited and it was sweet. A little weird, but sweet. It was a perfect day and I even got to dance with my dad.

He had visited a few times after the wedding, and when my cousin lived with us he helped out a lot even though he didn't have a job. A few months have gone by since I have spoken to him. I think the last time was when my cousin moved out. We didn't argue or say anything worth mentioning, but we just haven't talked since then.

I have already wrestled with the thought that maybe this period of no communication is more of a way for us to just "chill". I even thought that he might actually be giving space to live my life, be a wife and just call when I am ready, or it could also be the other way around. But I have this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that it might not be all those things and calling him would cause an eruption. I know that I should really acknowledge that fact that it is Father's Day and he is my father, and the fact that he did give me money for my birthday (although it was through my grandmother), I should (and may do) send at least an e card, just to show that I thought about it a little. I mean, it wouldn't look automatic....would it? I know how my father is and that he really doesn't like to make a big fuss about things. I also know that he doesn't even get out of bed until after noon sometimes. This would be a good time for me to send something, king of a way of saying, "hey, just thought I'd send this when I knew you'd be awake". Wow, never mind, that sounds terrible. Oh who am I kidding, I'll send it. He is, after all, my dad and I do love him.

Happy Father's Day

Here I stand

Here I stand with my feet planted firmly on the ground. Well I wouldn't say firmly, I might use, steadily planted on the ground. Yesterday was a day where I tried to turn a corner to better my situation and got a door slammed into my face. Good thing is, I didn't let that get me down. I grabbed a rock, found a window, and busted that shit in! Figuratively speaking of course.

(Although, I would break a window if I really had to, anything to get out of this current situation)

My husband and I have two really good friends who are having problems where they are currently living. It has gotten to the point where they feel that things are unsafe for them and their child. My husband and I are also in a poor situation (not as bad as their, but still a situation we need to get out of) and we all came to the conclusion that it would benefit all of us if we moved in together.

Here is where my story begins.

We found this awesome apartment. It is the exact size, area and space we are looking for. All of us are super excited. We filled out the applications, get all the information we needed together, got the money order ready to go and we go to the office to tell them "We want it!" The lady in the office is really nice, takes all of our stuff and tells us that we should hear something by Wednesday.

Then.......BAM! Door slams in our face! You see, this particular complex is running a move in special (which is why we were so exited in the first place) of 59 dollars total move in. So what's the problem? We only have one money order for the move in special.....she tells us (at the last minute I might add) that we need a second one. A SECOND ONE!?? For what?? Well apparently it's a 59 dollar total move in FOR EACH APPLICATION! So of course we are freaking, I mean we had to ask someone for the first 59 and they weren't all to happy with doing so. Now we have to come up with another 59 dollars and we don't even know what we are going to eat for dinner!

So where does the "rock in the window" come into play? Well that goes to our friend. Out of the three of us (her husband was at work at this time) she was the calm and positive one. I'm actually glad that she kept her cool, otherwise, I would have gone NUTS! Well I guess she could sense my blood pressure rising because she started talking before I had time to mouth out, "What the hell did she just say?" She informs this bit....I mean lady, that we will be back Friday and asks if they will still hold the apartment. We are then informed that it's nothing to worry about because we have until the first to get the money order to them anyway. So there, in a matter of speaking, if the rock being thrown into the window.

Now we are just waiting to hear if we got approved and the next step is to get on the ball with packing and deciding what can come with us and what we should give up.

That's the hard part....Well that and moving, moving sucks! And moving two different families into one place, even suckier! (Yes, I know that is not a word, I'm going to use it anyway)

5 am

As I sit here with my downstairs neighbor, husband and three other friends, I realize that all of these people are most awesome and I am thankful for having them all in my life. They are all energetic and love having a good time. It is good to see my husband smiling and having a good time. He works so hard and would come home so many times in a poor mood and not wanting to do anything. Now he is so full of energy and ready to get things done. Since he's been home we have already cleaned out the closet, rearranged the bedroom, cleaned the kitchen, steam cleaned the carpets and got all of our computers updated and upgraded. It has been an interesting 4 days.

I was able to borrow money from my mom and grandmother today. When I went to my grandmother's house (well my aunt's house really) I just felt that she was helping me only because I am her granddaughter. I gave her a hug and said thank you, but she just didn't return the hug. That made me feel really unloved. I don't know if it was because my aunt was there and she didn't want my aunt to say anything to her about her giving me money. I don't know, I'm just talking out my butt.

Things at my mom's was good. I got to spend time with the kiddos and be goofy. I was even able to get copies of our resume so we can go job hunting this week. We found a really good job opportunity that we applied too. It's a storage facility that is looking for a couple to basically run everything. The couple would take care of all the customers, new storage rentals, basic maintenance et al. There is also a two bedroom two bathroom apartment on the grounds that is rent free, the utilities are paid for and they provide you with internet for free too. On top of all that good stuff, the couple would also get 1250 monthly per person. That's 2500 dollars that all we'd (if we got the job) have to pay is our phone bill, gas and food. We'd be able to get out of debt with that, save money to get a good car and put a down payment on a house, and actually be able to have proper dinner dates, help out our true friends when they needed us, and maybe even be able to afford insurance so I could find out what is wrong with my body and if I can have kids or not.

I will be alright if we don't get that job. But it would be freaking awesome if we were able to get that or my husband was able to get something that he not only would have fun doing, but it would give us the financial that we are searching for. I can honestly say that I have been rather positive for the past few days. Maybe it's because my husband's mood has changed and I know that he's much happier or the fact that we have all this time together and we are relaxed.

Love my life right now. Hope this feeling lasts.

Drama, drama, drama...

Today is Saturday. On Thursday, my husband and I went to his work so we could eat together before he had to clock in. His boss went ballistic because he was asked to come in at 3 pm via text message. You see, his speaker on his phone went out and he cannot hear either of his ringers so he sometimes misses calls and texts. He has informed his boss that he still had not been able to fix it, it would cost more than 100 dollars to get it fixed, and she completely blew up at him. First of all, she knew since the day his speaker went out that it was busted. She also knew that we were barely making ends meet as it was and could not afford to get his phone fixed or even buy him another one. Second, if she really needed him in (like she said she did), she should have just called him to be completely sure that he came in that the time she needed him in.

Of course this upset my husband and myself. He could not take the poor treatment he was receiving so he wanted to confront her. He asked her to apologize to him for acting the way she did in front of customers and the other employees that were there. She told him that she did not feel that she offended him therefore she would not and did not owe him an apology. He informed her that he was pretty tried of being treated so poorly and he deserved more respect than he was getting. She told him that he needed to do what was best for him, so he quit.

Here is a little more to the story so maybe there will be a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. He had been working there for almost three years now. He started from the bottom and moved his way up to Cash Control Manager. While in this position he saw many people leave and their spots were given to people who did not preform them well at all. He had been in line for a promotion before and was working really hard to show that he would do his job the best he could. This promotion was taken away from him and given to someone who did not have the experience and could not preform the duties properly. He continued to work and work hard he did. At the end of last year he was told that he was up for another promotion. He was very excited about this one because he felt that this was his moment. He stuck by this company through its many different owners and store managers. What proceeded to happen was a stone walling of him talent and dedication. Here it is May and they still had not promoted him. When he asked his boss what he needed to do to show that he was ready and able to take this position, his boss informed him that he did not yet "trust" him. Well this came as a surprise because he had been working will ALL of the money that went in and out of the store on a daily basis. He could have easily stolen from the store but resisted because he valued his job and his co-workers respect. How can someone tell a person who is dealing with their money on a daily basis that they do not trust them? It is just down right disrespectful.

On top of him not getting promoted he was given the responsibility of being the "manager on deck" when all the other managers wanted to go home to their families. He was in charge of all the employees and locking up the store. Well no decision he made was ever the right one in the eyes of his boss. He was told to call his boss if he ever had any questions or had any problems with customers, but when he did, he would get yelled at for not taking the initiative to take care of the problem himself. Talk about mixed signals.

So for the past two and a half years I have seen my husband come home completely defeated everyday. It even got to a point where he did not want to get up in the morning to go to work. I want to make clear that I support him 100% in his decision to quit. My drama, well, my drama is simple, we have no money coming in now. He has been diligent in finding a new job and I have even been looking for part time work myself. I know that we are going to get through this but at this exact moment in time, I just cannot see how. We have rent covered for next month and we are not really worried about bills. I have asked my mom and grandmother for money so we can have food, but that came with lectures because they do not think he should have quit before having something else secured. Which, yes, I do understand that, but what kind of wife would I be if I just let my husband work a dead end job that may one day kill him? No, I am not being over dramatic. My husband is a diabetic and is prone to panic attacks. He already had a nervous break down last year because of this job. I am NOT going to let the fact that we need money get in the way of my husband's health and our future together.

Yes things are going to be hard, but I know that we can do it. We have gotten through things before and this will be no different. Just had to get my feelings out before they consumed me.

The end of it all...

*So I wrote the following entry yesterday through out the day. For some reason writing makes me think clearly and focus and what is really going on. Note: My original piece has real names of people and out of respect of those people (even though they have no respect for me) I will either change them or try to leave them out all together.

This have been so rough lately. But when things finally get back to normal, it will be nice to see who's still on my side. I really thought A was going to be on my side but I can see clearly, will all the spit removed, that she does everything she does for herself only. I was really hoping that she was someone I could add to my close group of FAITHFUL friends, but the more I look at her and the things that she does, I see more and more of a lot of the qualities that I REALLY disliked about an old friend of mine, C. Now, I did A the benefit of the fact that she is NOT C, but a lot of the things she does really makes me take a step back and really think. I realize that a lot of her behaviors really make me feel like I am right back in that part of my life. I am NOT the same person as I was then. I would go along with everything that C said and wanted to do. I was a gullible follower and I let C break me down to just a shell of a person. I have forgiven C for the things that happened in our relationship, but I still remind myself everyday of just how much she broke me down.

And because I see so much of the old me come to the surface when I am around A, I fear that I will begin to loose myself. If I allow myself to be broken down again, I know for a damn fact that I will NOT be able to find myself. This is really why I am distancing myself from all of this stress and drama. I need to look at the big picture and make sure that I am doing what's best for my husband and myself. Another detail that is really getting me down is that I feel no one really understands how I feel or why I feel this way. I have discussed my feelings with my husband but came into my life shortly before C and I had completely ended up going our separate ways. He did get to know her but he didn't know her like I did. He had no idea how poisonous our relationship was for me.

Now I am a adult and I do know that I should sit down and talk to A but part of me is screaming out that it's a bad idea. I followed my gut when I ended things with C and I can honestly say that I have been better off because of that decision. This is not only about myself, this is about my future, sanity, and my husband's future and sanity as well. I wouldn't have been fair to the woman I have become if I ignored all the parts of me that are screaming to run, not walk, in the other direction.

I wish there was a way for me to find the right answer and solve this problem so it will just go away and we can move on. I am hoping that once A is no longer using the car, my decision will be a little easier to make. I just hope that once I do make my final decision the people around me will understand why I made this decision.*

The ends the writing from yesterday. Once my husband and I went to bed last night, I did take that time to talk to him about my feelings and I explained just how bad my relationship with C was. I do feel that he had a better understanding of what I was going through, even though (as he said) he "doesn't see it". At one point he did ask me if my decision meant that he too had to cut all ties with A. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to loose her friendship. I told him that I understand that she still needs to use that car (I don't wanna be completely heartless) and that it wasn't conducive to our situation for both of us to give her the cold shoulder. I did tell him that I don't want to hear about any of her drama, unless she was disrespecting me in some way. I also told him that I didn't not want him bringing me into any conversations that they have. I will not allow him to hang out with her outside of transferring the car back and forth, and I really don't care if that sounds like I'm being a jealous wife. I know that I have a good man that any woman would kill to have for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I do trust my husband and I am certain that A would not do anything like that, but that still doesn't mean that I have to be alright with him hanging out with her. There have already been two incidents where my husband has been untruthful with me and I am doing what is in my power to avoid anything more.

Call me a bitch, jealous or whatever. I am just doing what I feel is best for my family and future.

Rants of my mind

So my original idea for this blog is not quite going as planned. Oh well, I'll use this as a sounding off board since I am quite certain no one will read this, and hell if they do, they don't know who I am so it's all good.

So my mind is seething with anger right now. I am so upset that I can't see straight and I wear glasses so that's bad all on its own. Here is my daily dose of drama. My husband and I have been so nice in letting a friend of ours use our car so she can get back and forth to work. Well things were going well, but it turns out that she is the most selfish person I think I have met since certain people in my family.

Things have gotten to the point that I was biting my tongue until I tasted blood to stop myself from cracking under pressure and just bashing her head against a wall. I do not EVER want to be in that kind of situation ever again. To make things worse, my husband is not on my side with this. He seems to think that I'm being childish and taking things way to personally. No that's not what I'm doing. I'm sick and tired of being pushed around and walked all over because I'm trying to be nice and help a person out when NO ONE else will.

Man I am so angry right now. ............... ...... .... .....

My first blog

Well I caved. I have had so many friends who have told me that I should be writing a blog. Of course I had no idea what was so important about writing or even having a blog for that matter and there was a time when I did not really care if I had one or not.

Well that has changed. Around Wednesday of last week my husband and I had a fight. It started off like any other fight, which we have had before, but this time was different and things got really ugly. I am not going to go into anymore details than that, but trust me there is a point.

Last night while my husband and I were getting ready for bed we began to talk about things. We got some things cleared up and I continued talking while he fell asleep next to me, which is something I do quite often. It was then in that moment that I realized that I had more to day, a lot more!

Now I do not expect anyone to ever read anything I post, mostly because I am not going to let anyone know that I have this blog and those who do read will not know who I really am. This is my way of venting, informing, and writing about the things that I am learning in school and through life without worrying about how others will judge me or how those who know me will judge me.

This begins the daily log of my life as a domestic engineer or "housewife" as the label says. Stay tuned for more posts to come...Like I said, I have A LOT to say!