Hi there! It's me! So, we've known each other for a long time now, 25 years to be exact. And I feel comfortable in saying that I have come to know you rather well over the years. I know when you are hungry. I know when you are tired. I know when you don't want to get out of bed. I know when you want to just jump up and run a mile, then you quickly get a reminder from your downstairs neighbor Mr. Kneecap that he is still (and will always be) messed up from the surgery SEVEN YEARS AGO! I know when you are feeling ill, and strangely, I can honestly say that I feel your pain, literally.
Anyway, my point is, I know you. Sometimes, I know you better than you know yourself. Because I know you and we have had this wonderful (sometimes painful) relationship for so long, I feel that I should be the one to tell you what has been on a lot of people's minds. What the HELL is wrong with you?
And before you get all upset and hurt (really, I can't handle that tonight, please and thanks), let me explain that I mean this with all the love and adoration possible. I am your friend and I have been beginning to see that you have a problem. At first it started off small and then it went away at one point. When it came back the second time, I said to myself that you would kick it again this time. And you did... for a very little while.
This is the third time. I, for one, cannot let this continue. As one of your closest friends (I know, you don't have many) I feel that it is my job, no my right, to tell you that you need to get some help. Or at least get your priorities straight to begin with.
You need to find away to being to function properly, without your little lapses from time to time. This time needs to be final, as in no more. I will not stand for the sleepless nights. I will not stand for the constant trips to the bathroom (no matter if it just for you to pee, I don't know what you can get into in there alone). I WILL NOT stand the CONSTANT interruptions right when something "personal" is about to happen (this REALLY has happened for the last time, next time you do that, I'll....I'll...well I'll do SOMETHING!@).
Bottom line, I'm putting my foot down (or your foot, whatever) and I will not let this ruin you! From this moment on you are going to take vitamins daily! You will watch what you eat (and I don't mean looking at it then eating it....p o r t i o n s, PORTIONS!) and you will drink more water! You now have a limit on the amount of sugar you can eat each day (and to Mrs. Sweet tooth, this is not up for discussion, it WILL happen). I have also come up with a plan to get you and Mr. Kneecap back into a well working relationship (I think that will work best for everyone in the end) and you two will be spending more time doing activities together.
I hope you don't find my new rules to demanding. And if you do, to bad. I will be there (with other by my side) to make sure that you do EXACTLY what you are supposed to do, everyday. Well alright, I may let you slide a little one day of the week, but that all depends on how you do DURING the week.
Well that is all for now, I should go and let you get your rest now. You are going to need it... In the morning, HELL begins!
No, just kidding! It won't be hell, but it won't be easy either. Hang in there and we will get through this.
Love,
Me
P.S- And NO! You CANNOT have that sandwich you wanted to get before you went to bed! Don't do it...
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