I normally dread this time of year. Yes I have a father, yes I love him, but we have a strange relationship. There was a period in my life where we didn't talk for five years and, actually, I feel I was better off in that time. Well, alright, I still feel that way to this day. But I do have uncles, cousins, a grandfather, and male friends who are fathers. So to them and all the other father's out there today, Happy Father's Day. And thank you for having the balls to do what is right, whatever that means for you, by your children.
Now back to my dad. I have been struggling all day (I got up early today, so it's been a long day already) with the idea of calling him. Hell, I'd even e mail him if I had the courage...and the words. You see, in dealing with my father, it is easier to think of his as being a mine field. Meaning, when you say, do or ask anything that he feels is wrong, he will blow. Now it will be small bursts at first, with a moment of smooth sailing, but the next time you step on one, you won't know it until after you feel the sting in your face. Now I am not in any words saying that my father hits me, don't misunderstand. What I am saying, is, his words and looks tend to feel like a slap in the face.
Well who the hell am I kidding...my father is a very verbally and emotionally abusive man. His words will cut into the core and make you begin to question exactly what do you believe in. Growing up, this was some scary shit. I always felt like he was right about everything, he knew because he had been out there in the world a lot longer than I had. Of course now I know differently, he was using bullying tactics to keep me believe that he was all knowing and superior. It took a lot for me to stand up to my dad and it still takes a lot for me to be in the same room with him for long periods of time. I'm normally very comfortable and relaxed when I am in the company of others. But it's different when I'm around my dad. I have to constantly keep reminding myself that I have to watch what I do and say around him. For whatever reason, every time I'm around my dad, I feel like a little girl again.
This is the pickle that I have put myself in. Right before I got married, my dad and I had a really bad fight. He had helped me get some furniture for my new and first apartment. Shortly after that, my husband (my fiance at the time) and I were able to get our first new, used car. I gave my dad a call and left a message, he didn't answer. While waiting for him to call me back, I went to my mom's to pick up my siblings. As we were leaving he called me back. I started to tell him all about the car and sharing my excitement. When I was finished, he said nothing. After, for what seemed like forever, it was only about a minute, he spoke. "This is what you called about?" I replied, yes. He hung up on me. Called back about 10 minutes later, said for me not to speak and just listen. He yelled so loud that my husband began to fight me to get the phone out of my hand. I listened to it all. Took it all in. When he was finished, I let him have it. Didn't talk to him after that for another two years.
As my wedding grew closer, I reached out to him. I mean, what bride doesn't want her dad there to walk her down the isle. I wanted to do this right, and have my dad be the one walking me down the isle to my wonderful husband to be. He became the typical father of the bride. Over analyzing everything, making sure everything was going perfectly. He was excited and it was sweet. A little weird, but sweet. It was a perfect day and I even got to dance with my dad.
He had visited a few times after the wedding, and when my cousin lived with us he helped out a lot even though he didn't have a job. A few months have gone by since I have spoken to him. I think the last time was when my cousin moved out. We didn't argue or say anything worth mentioning, but we just haven't talked since then.
I have already wrestled with the thought that maybe this period of no communication is more of a way for us to just "chill". I even thought that he might actually be giving space to live my life, be a wife and just call when I am ready, or it could also be the other way around. But I have this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that it might not be all those things and calling him would cause an eruption. I know that I should really acknowledge that fact that it is Father's Day and he is my father, and the fact that he did give me money for my birthday (although it was through my grandmother), I should (and may do) send at least an e card, just to show that I thought about it a little. I mean, it wouldn't look automatic....would it? I know how my father is and that he really doesn't like to make a big fuss about things. I also know that he doesn't even get out of bed until after noon sometimes. This would be a good time for me to send something, king of a way of saying, "hey, just thought I'd send this when I knew you'd be awake". Wow, never mind, that sounds terrible. Oh who am I kidding, I'll send it. He is, after all, my dad and I do love him.
Happy Father's Day
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