My brain has been on my mind lately. Allow me to explain; I have Boraderline Personality Disorder. Well, I have not been "properly" diagnosed, you know by a doctor or anything, but the idea of the disorder was "suggested" by a therapist. For some reason, my mom thought that I was a "very depressed child". Well that was according to the counseling sheets I found one day while going through my old papers. My mom had told the counselor that I was moody, depressed, and defiant. Well yeah, I WAS SIX! And my dad and her were going through a divorce at the time. If a child whose parents are splitting up isn't depressed, then there is something MORE wrong with the child. Being depressed when you are dealing with a stressful situation is normal.
When I was 16, I have a melt down. That morning was like any other morning. I woke up, got ready and left the house without a hitch. Arrived at school and followed my normal schedule. I was in my last class when it happened. My skin was crawling and I felt like I was burning up. From there, things got worse. At some point I blacked out and I don't really remember what happened from that point on. I awoke to find myself in the hospital. My mom was there and she told me that my dad was on his way. The doctor came in and asked me if I remembered what happened. I told him what I knew, he nodded and walked away.
The next day a counselor came in and told my mom, dad and myself that she "felt" I was bi-polar. She explained what some of the symptoms of that disorder was and asked me how often things like this happened. I told her the feelings come and go, sometimes lasting a few day, sometimes lasting a few hours. She said a few other things and then she said, "Well these things happen". Just like that. With no other words, matter of factually, and walked out.
After I was released from the hospital (our insurance only let me stay there for three days) my mom took me to a therapist. After a two hour meeting with this lady (she was no doctor mind you) we came to the "suggested" diagnoses: Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I was 16, not harmful to myself or others (other than hurting my mom's feelings sometimes when I flew off the handle at her for no reason), and would go long periods without experiencing any type of symptoms, I was not put on medication. (Besides, our insurance sucked so we couldn't afford the medication anyway, it was too expensive). What I was going to do instead was go to the allowed number of meetings with this therapist that my insurance would allow. This turned out to be once a week for 6 weeks.
Now that I look back on all of this I realize, 6 weeks was NO WHERE enough time to get anywhere with this type of disorder. Yes, I still have long periods of time where I do not experience any symptoms, but when I do happen to have an "episode" (as my husband and I have come to call them) they can be pretty bad. There have been a few times when I will begin a fight out of nothing but my need (and want) to have conflict. And there have been a few times when my spells will last a week or more.
Without insurance, it is hard to put a finger on what exactly is going on. There are times when I will lie down for bed and my mind is just whirring with movement. I will begin to think of something and my mind will just float away with itself and lead me down a rabbit hole, so to speak.
Now I'm sure there are some people out there who may think that I'm just a "moody female" (and I can be, I mean I am a woman, it's natural) but let me assure you, this is MUCH more than just being "moody". Don't get me wrong, I do try different things to help and keep things in check and balanced so I am not a completely neurotic house wife, but there are days when I can't do anything to "snap" out of it.
Here are some things that I found have helped me to remain balanced (for anyone who may be wondering the same): I try and meditate once a day. I have a part of the house just for me where I have my music, candles, some white noise in the background (I like the sound of rain) and myself. I don't let myself go for more than 30 minutes but the time that I take for myself really helps when I find things are about to tense up. If, though out the day, I feel that I need to take a "time out" (again, something else my husband and I have come up with... More on that in a minute) I will go to my area (if I can. If I can't, I will make do) and try to center myself.
I also keep a daily journal, other than this blog. I use the journal to write down the journey my mind sometimes takes when things are calm (my mind is a kid, can't ever win the quiet game). I use the entries to see where exactly my mind goes and I also use it to keep as a daily logging if I ever do get an opportunity to see a doctor.
The most important tool I have is my support system. In the beginning, my mother was very stuck on the fact that I was just trying to cry out for attention because I was no longer the only child (which was so NOT the case, I adore my baby brother). These days, she's a little more understanding. My husband and I go on the principle of communication. From the beginning of the relationship he has known about this and we have a few rules, if you will, when I begin to experience any symptoms. The main rule is communication. If I feel agitated one day, we will try and figure out what is causing the aggravation. If I can't figure out why I am agitated, I will say so and we will drop it. When I feel that I need to be alone, we call it a "time out". This is when I go to my area and try to calm myself.
Some days are worse than others. And there are times when my episodes can last longer than I can deal with. But with communication and determination (and the occasional use of cannabis, but that's another post) we get through those days. Of course, there are good days too. And sometimes, they can last for long periods of time too.
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