*So I wrote the following entry yesterday through out the day. For some reason writing makes me think clearly and focus and what is really going on. Note: My original piece has real names of people and out of respect of those people (even though they have no respect for me) I will either change them or try to leave them out all together.
This have been so rough lately. But when things finally get back to normal, it will be nice to see who's still on my side. I really thought A was going to be on my side but I can see clearly, will all the spit removed, that she does everything she does for herself only. I was really hoping that she was someone I could add to my close group of FAITHFUL friends, but the more I look at her and the things that she does, I see more and more of a lot of the qualities that I REALLY disliked about an old friend of mine, C. Now, I did A the benefit of the fact that she is NOT C, but a lot of the things she does really makes me take a step back and really think. I realize that a lot of her behaviors really make me feel like I am right back in that part of my life. I am NOT the same person as I was then. I would go along with everything that C said and wanted to do. I was a gullible follower and I let C break me down to just a shell of a person. I have forgiven C for the things that happened in our relationship, but I still remind myself everyday of just how much she broke me down.
And because I see so much of the old me come to the surface when I am around A, I fear that I will begin to loose myself. If I allow myself to be broken down again, I know for a damn fact that I will NOT be able to find myself. This is really why I am distancing myself from all of this stress and drama. I need to look at the big picture and make sure that I am doing what's best for my husband and myself. Another detail that is really getting me down is that I feel no one really understands how I feel or why I feel this way. I have discussed my feelings with my husband but came into my life shortly before C and I had completely ended up going our separate ways. He did get to know her but he didn't know her like I did. He had no idea how poisonous our relationship was for me.
Now I am a adult and I do know that I should sit down and talk to A but part of me is screaming out that it's a bad idea. I followed my gut when I ended things with C and I can honestly say that I have been better off because of that decision. This is not only about myself, this is about my future, sanity, and my husband's future and sanity as well. I wouldn't have been fair to the woman I have become if I ignored all the parts of me that are screaming to run, not walk, in the other direction.
I wish there was a way for me to find the right answer and solve this problem so it will just go away and we can move on. I am hoping that once A is no longer using the car, my decision will be a little easier to make. I just hope that once I do make my final decision the people around me will understand why I made this decision.*
The ends the writing from yesterday. Once my husband and I went to bed last night, I did take that time to talk to him about my feelings and I explained just how bad my relationship with C was. I do feel that he had a better understanding of what I was going through, even though (as he said) he "doesn't see it". At one point he did ask me if my decision meant that he too had to cut all ties with A. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to loose her friendship. I told him that I understand that she still needs to use that car (I don't wanna be completely heartless) and that it wasn't conducive to our situation for both of us to give her the cold shoulder. I did tell him that I don't want to hear about any of her drama, unless she was disrespecting me in some way. I also told him that I didn't not want him bringing me into any conversations that they have. I will not allow him to hang out with her outside of transferring the car back and forth, and I really don't care if that sounds like I'm being a jealous wife. I know that I have a good man that any woman would kill to have for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I do trust my husband and I am certain that A would not do anything like that, but that still doesn't mean that I have to be alright with him hanging out with her. There have already been two incidents where my husband has been untruthful with me and I am doing what is in my power to avoid anything more.
Call me a bitch, jealous or whatever. I am just doing what I feel is best for my family and future.
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