As I sit here with my downstairs neighbor, husband and three other friends, I realize that all of these people are most awesome and I am thankful for having them all in my life. They are all energetic and love having a good time. It is good to see my husband smiling and having a good time. He works so hard and would come home so many times in a poor mood and not wanting to do anything. Now he is so full of energy and ready to get things done. Since he's been home we have already cleaned out the closet, rearranged the bedroom, cleaned the kitchen, steam cleaned the carpets and got all of our computers updated and upgraded. It has been an interesting 4 days.
I was able to borrow money from my mom and grandmother today. When I went to my grandmother's house (well my aunt's house really) I just felt that she was helping me only because I am her granddaughter. I gave her a hug and said thank you, but she just didn't return the hug. That made me feel really unloved. I don't know if it was because my aunt was there and she didn't want my aunt to say anything to her about her giving me money. I don't know, I'm just talking out my butt.
Things at my mom's was good. I got to spend time with the kiddos and be goofy. I was even able to get copies of our resume so we can go job hunting this week. We found a really good job opportunity that we applied too. It's a storage facility that is looking for a couple to basically run everything. The couple would take care of all the customers, new storage rentals, basic maintenance et al. There is also a two bedroom two bathroom apartment on the grounds that is rent free, the utilities are paid for and they provide you with internet for free too. On top of all that good stuff, the couple would also get 1250 monthly per person. That's 2500 dollars that all we'd (if we got the job) have to pay is our phone bill, gas and food. We'd be able to get out of debt with that, save money to get a good car and put a down payment on a house, and actually be able to have proper dinner dates, help out our true friends when they needed us, and maybe even be able to afford insurance so I could find out what is wrong with my body and if I can have kids or not.
I will be alright if we don't get that job. But it would be freaking awesome if we were able to get that or my husband was able to get something that he not only would have fun doing, but it would give us the financial that we are searching for. I can honestly say that I have been rather positive for the past few days. Maybe it's because my husband's mood has changed and I know that he's much happier or the fact that we have all this time together and we are relaxed.
Love my life right now. Hope this feeling lasts.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Drama, drama, drama...
Today is Saturday. On Thursday, my husband and I went to his work so we could eat together before he had to clock in. His boss went ballistic because he was asked to come in at 3 pm via text message. You see, his speaker on his phone went out and he cannot hear either of his ringers so he sometimes misses calls and texts. He has informed his boss that he still had not been able to fix it, it would cost more than 100 dollars to get it fixed, and she completely blew up at him. First of all, she knew since the day his speaker went out that it was busted. She also knew that we were barely making ends meet as it was and could not afford to get his phone fixed or even buy him another one. Second, if she really needed him in (like she said she did), she should have just called him to be completely sure that he came in that the time she needed him in.
Of course this upset my husband and myself. He could not take the poor treatment he was receiving so he wanted to confront her. He asked her to apologize to him for acting the way she did in front of customers and the other employees that were there. She told him that she did not feel that she offended him therefore she would not and did not owe him an apology. He informed her that he was pretty tried of being treated so poorly and he deserved more respect than he was getting. She told him that he needed to do what was best for him, so he quit.
Here is a little more to the story so maybe there will be a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. He had been working there for almost three years now. He started from the bottom and moved his way up to Cash Control Manager. While in this position he saw many people leave and their spots were given to people who did not preform them well at all. He had been in line for a promotion before and was working really hard to show that he would do his job the best he could. This promotion was taken away from him and given to someone who did not have the experience and could not preform the duties properly. He continued to work and work hard he did. At the end of last year he was told that he was up for another promotion. He was very excited about this one because he felt that this was his moment. He stuck by this company through its many different owners and store managers. What proceeded to happen was a stone walling of him talent and dedication. Here it is May and they still had not promoted him. When he asked his boss what he needed to do to show that he was ready and able to take this position, his boss informed him that he did not yet "trust" him. Well this came as a surprise because he had been working will ALL of the money that went in and out of the store on a daily basis. He could have easily stolen from the store but resisted because he valued his job and his co-workers respect. How can someone tell a person who is dealing with their money on a daily basis that they do not trust them? It is just down right disrespectful.
On top of him not getting promoted he was given the responsibility of being the "manager on deck" when all the other managers wanted to go home to their families. He was in charge of all the employees and locking up the store. Well no decision he made was ever the right one in the eyes of his boss. He was told to call his boss if he ever had any questions or had any problems with customers, but when he did, he would get yelled at for not taking the initiative to take care of the problem himself. Talk about mixed signals.
So for the past two and a half years I have seen my husband come home completely defeated everyday. It even got to a point where he did not want to get up in the morning to go to work. I want to make clear that I support him 100% in his decision to quit. My drama, well, my drama is simple, we have no money coming in now. He has been diligent in finding a new job and I have even been looking for part time work myself. I know that we are going to get through this but at this exact moment in time, I just cannot see how. We have rent covered for next month and we are not really worried about bills. I have asked my mom and grandmother for money so we can have food, but that came with lectures because they do not think he should have quit before having something else secured. Which, yes, I do understand that, but what kind of wife would I be if I just let my husband work a dead end job that may one day kill him? No, I am not being over dramatic. My husband is a diabetic and is prone to panic attacks. He already had a nervous break down last year because of this job. I am NOT going to let the fact that we need money get in the way of my husband's health and our future together.
Yes things are going to be hard, but I know that we can do it. We have gotten through things before and this will be no different. Just had to get my feelings out before they consumed me.
Of course this upset my husband and myself. He could not take the poor treatment he was receiving so he wanted to confront her. He asked her to apologize to him for acting the way she did in front of customers and the other employees that were there. She told him that she did not feel that she offended him therefore she would not and did not owe him an apology. He informed her that he was pretty tried of being treated so poorly and he deserved more respect than he was getting. She told him that he needed to do what was best for him, so he quit.
Here is a little more to the story so maybe there will be a better understanding of why things happened the way they did. He had been working there for almost three years now. He started from the bottom and moved his way up to Cash Control Manager. While in this position he saw many people leave and their spots were given to people who did not preform them well at all. He had been in line for a promotion before and was working really hard to show that he would do his job the best he could. This promotion was taken away from him and given to someone who did not have the experience and could not preform the duties properly. He continued to work and work hard he did. At the end of last year he was told that he was up for another promotion. He was very excited about this one because he felt that this was his moment. He stuck by this company through its many different owners and store managers. What proceeded to happen was a stone walling of him talent and dedication. Here it is May and they still had not promoted him. When he asked his boss what he needed to do to show that he was ready and able to take this position, his boss informed him that he did not yet "trust" him. Well this came as a surprise because he had been working will ALL of the money that went in and out of the store on a daily basis. He could have easily stolen from the store but resisted because he valued his job and his co-workers respect. How can someone tell a person who is dealing with their money on a daily basis that they do not trust them? It is just down right disrespectful.
On top of him not getting promoted he was given the responsibility of being the "manager on deck" when all the other managers wanted to go home to their families. He was in charge of all the employees and locking up the store. Well no decision he made was ever the right one in the eyes of his boss. He was told to call his boss if he ever had any questions or had any problems with customers, but when he did, he would get yelled at for not taking the initiative to take care of the problem himself. Talk about mixed signals.
So for the past two and a half years I have seen my husband come home completely defeated everyday. It even got to a point where he did not want to get up in the morning to go to work. I want to make clear that I support him 100% in his decision to quit. My drama, well, my drama is simple, we have no money coming in now. He has been diligent in finding a new job and I have even been looking for part time work myself. I know that we are going to get through this but at this exact moment in time, I just cannot see how. We have rent covered for next month and we are not really worried about bills. I have asked my mom and grandmother for money so we can have food, but that came with lectures because they do not think he should have quit before having something else secured. Which, yes, I do understand that, but what kind of wife would I be if I just let my husband work a dead end job that may one day kill him? No, I am not being over dramatic. My husband is a diabetic and is prone to panic attacks. He already had a nervous break down last year because of this job. I am NOT going to let the fact that we need money get in the way of my husband's health and our future together.
Yes things are going to be hard, but I know that we can do it. We have gotten through things before and this will be no different. Just had to get my feelings out before they consumed me.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
The end of it all...
*So I wrote the following entry yesterday through out the day. For some reason writing makes me think clearly and focus and what is really going on. Note: My original piece has real names of people and out of respect of those people (even though they have no respect for me) I will either change them or try to leave them out all together.
This have been so rough lately. But when things finally get back to normal, it will be nice to see who's still on my side. I really thought A was going to be on my side but I can see clearly, will all the spit removed, that she does everything she does for herself only. I was really hoping that she was someone I could add to my close group of FAITHFUL friends, but the more I look at her and the things that she does, I see more and more of a lot of the qualities that I REALLY disliked about an old friend of mine, C. Now, I did A the benefit of the fact that she is NOT C, but a lot of the things she does really makes me take a step back and really think. I realize that a lot of her behaviors really make me feel like I am right back in that part of my life. I am NOT the same person as I was then. I would go along with everything that C said and wanted to do. I was a gullible follower and I let C break me down to just a shell of a person. I have forgiven C for the things that happened in our relationship, but I still remind myself everyday of just how much she broke me down.
And because I see so much of the old me come to the surface when I am around A, I fear that I will begin to loose myself. If I allow myself to be broken down again, I know for a damn fact that I will NOT be able to find myself. This is really why I am distancing myself from all of this stress and drama. I need to look at the big picture and make sure that I am doing what's best for my husband and myself. Another detail that is really getting me down is that I feel no one really understands how I feel or why I feel this way. I have discussed my feelings with my husband but came into my life shortly before C and I had completely ended up going our separate ways. He did get to know her but he didn't know her like I did. He had no idea how poisonous our relationship was for me.
Now I am a adult and I do know that I should sit down and talk to A but part of me is screaming out that it's a bad idea. I followed my gut when I ended things with C and I can honestly say that I have been better off because of that decision. This is not only about myself, this is about my future, sanity, and my husband's future and sanity as well. I wouldn't have been fair to the woman I have become if I ignored all the parts of me that are screaming to run, not walk, in the other direction.
I wish there was a way for me to find the right answer and solve this problem so it will just go away and we can move on. I am hoping that once A is no longer using the car, my decision will be a little easier to make. I just hope that once I do make my final decision the people around me will understand why I made this decision.*
The ends the writing from yesterday. Once my husband and I went to bed last night, I did take that time to talk to him about my feelings and I explained just how bad my relationship with C was. I do feel that he had a better understanding of what I was going through, even though (as he said) he "doesn't see it". At one point he did ask me if my decision meant that he too had to cut all ties with A. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to loose her friendship. I told him that I understand that she still needs to use that car (I don't wanna be completely heartless) and that it wasn't conducive to our situation for both of us to give her the cold shoulder. I did tell him that I don't want to hear about any of her drama, unless she was disrespecting me in some way. I also told him that I didn't not want him bringing me into any conversations that they have. I will not allow him to hang out with her outside of transferring the car back and forth, and I really don't care if that sounds like I'm being a jealous wife. I know that I have a good man that any woman would kill to have for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I do trust my husband and I am certain that A would not do anything like that, but that still doesn't mean that I have to be alright with him hanging out with her. There have already been two incidents where my husband has been untruthful with me and I am doing what is in my power to avoid anything more.
Call me a bitch, jealous or whatever. I am just doing what I feel is best for my family and future.
This have been so rough lately. But when things finally get back to normal, it will be nice to see who's still on my side. I really thought A was going to be on my side but I can see clearly, will all the spit removed, that she does everything she does for herself only. I was really hoping that she was someone I could add to my close group of FAITHFUL friends, but the more I look at her and the things that she does, I see more and more of a lot of the qualities that I REALLY disliked about an old friend of mine, C. Now, I did A the benefit of the fact that she is NOT C, but a lot of the things she does really makes me take a step back and really think. I realize that a lot of her behaviors really make me feel like I am right back in that part of my life. I am NOT the same person as I was then. I would go along with everything that C said and wanted to do. I was a gullible follower and I let C break me down to just a shell of a person. I have forgiven C for the things that happened in our relationship, but I still remind myself everyday of just how much she broke me down.
And because I see so much of the old me come to the surface when I am around A, I fear that I will begin to loose myself. If I allow myself to be broken down again, I know for a damn fact that I will NOT be able to find myself. This is really why I am distancing myself from all of this stress and drama. I need to look at the big picture and make sure that I am doing what's best for my husband and myself. Another detail that is really getting me down is that I feel no one really understands how I feel or why I feel this way. I have discussed my feelings with my husband but came into my life shortly before C and I had completely ended up going our separate ways. He did get to know her but he didn't know her like I did. He had no idea how poisonous our relationship was for me.
Now I am a adult and I do know that I should sit down and talk to A but part of me is screaming out that it's a bad idea. I followed my gut when I ended things with C and I can honestly say that I have been better off because of that decision. This is not only about myself, this is about my future, sanity, and my husband's future and sanity as well. I wouldn't have been fair to the woman I have become if I ignored all the parts of me that are screaming to run, not walk, in the other direction.
I wish there was a way for me to find the right answer and solve this problem so it will just go away and we can move on. I am hoping that once A is no longer using the car, my decision will be a little easier to make. I just hope that once I do make my final decision the people around me will understand why I made this decision.*
The ends the writing from yesterday. Once my husband and I went to bed last night, I did take that time to talk to him about my feelings and I explained just how bad my relationship with C was. I do feel that he had a better understanding of what I was going through, even though (as he said) he "doesn't see it". At one point he did ask me if my decision meant that he too had to cut all ties with A. He said he wasn't sure if he wanted to loose her friendship. I told him that I understand that she still needs to use that car (I don't wanna be completely heartless) and that it wasn't conducive to our situation for both of us to give her the cold shoulder. I did tell him that I don't want to hear about any of her drama, unless she was disrespecting me in some way. I also told him that I didn't not want him bringing me into any conversations that they have. I will not allow him to hang out with her outside of transferring the car back and forth, and I really don't care if that sounds like I'm being a jealous wife. I know that I have a good man that any woman would kill to have for themselves. Don't get me wrong, I do trust my husband and I am certain that A would not do anything like that, but that still doesn't mean that I have to be alright with him hanging out with her. There have already been two incidents where my husband has been untruthful with me and I am doing what is in my power to avoid anything more.
Call me a bitch, jealous or whatever. I am just doing what I feel is best for my family and future.
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