Wow, I can't believe you just said that.

Like many other married couple out there my husband and I fight. Most of the time it is just small banter back and forth about what is currently bothering us at the time. But there are times (a few more times than I would have liked) where things get rather heated. Neither of us want to fight with each other. I love how we are but when we fight, I sometimes do not even recognize my husband or myself for that moment in time. Things are said that we would not say consciously or things that we regret the moment the words leave our mouths.

In case you have not guess what this is about let me tell you; my husband and I are facing some tough times right now. With all the added stress (a new job for him where he has to prove himself, making sure we keep our new roommate happy so we still have a roof over our heads and just a basic loss of privacy) we have been on opposite sides right now when we need to be standing together so we can get through this road block. Both of us are talking to the other, but neither one of us is listening to the other. I feel he does not listen to me so I do not listen to him and vice versa.

Well things came to a head the other day and the lid just could not keep our emotions in the pot. We began by arguing about money (which is a hot topic for a lot of couples) and it went from there.

What hit me the most was a specific statement he made. At one point he simply said "I think we need a vacation from each other, maybe you should stay at your moms for a week". My first instinct was to smack him upside the head for being an idiot, but then a cooler (only slightly cooler) voice told me to just hear him out. He felt that maybe us being away from each other would help us to get over whatever was going on causing us to be fighting. He did not want to talk about it, he just wanted to lay it out there.

I just do not understand how sending me away (like a disobedient child) was going to help the situation. If I would have left (which I am NOT doing) all that would have happened was space. Nothing would have gotten dealt with or cleared up. There would still be one or two emotions that would be lingering and then the whole process of stuffing down the feelings would start all over. It may be good for a few days, weeks, months, or whatever time amount, but one day, the lid will no longer be able to keep everything in and we would be right back at square one.

A lot of other things were said and there were even some compromises of both of our parts, but I really do not feel we have accomplished anything. I still feel hurt by his willingness to just have me leave when things got complicated. I still do not understand if he felt that was something that would help why was he not the one to leave. He tells me not to over analyze the situation or other situations for that matter, but I really think I have to. I mean, if my husband thinks that us being apart is going to solve our problem, I have to really look at my own actions and wonder why he felt this was an option and talking to me was not something he thought of.

I am a woman. It is in my blood, my chemical makeup, to over analyze things. I have to look at everything and try to find where I went wrong. The only way I am going to learn from this experience is if I look back and find what was the breaking point. Once I know what happened, I can file that away and find different ways to handle certain situations. In order for us to fix what is broken, we need to know exactly what is broken, how bad it is broken and what it is going to take to fix. Besides, super glue does wear off after while, I do not want my married to fall apart in the same manner but putting a band aid on things and hope they go away for good this time.

He has been making a good effort today and I have tried to make sure I have a good day myself so I do not bombard him with a moody wife as soon as he gets home. Hopefully know he will see that I really do want this marriage to work and last. I also think that once we have a little more privacy we will being to have the ability to get some of our feelings out on the table. I am going to fight for my marriage.

So Apperantely...

So somehow, I've transformed into a super house wife....Don't know when that happened of how I LET that happen, but happen it did. Now I just need to figure out why.

Since the beginning of out relationship, my husband has been aware that I am lazy. Yes, I said it, I am lazy....Very lazy. But the beautiful thing about our relationship was the fact that he was just as lazy. He knew from the beginning that I don't cook (well big meals, but I will make pasta or something small) and I don't wash dishes. He was fine with this. At one point he even started doing the laundry, which I don't have any problems doing, because the washers were on the other side of the complex.

Well since we've been living with someone who cleans almost all day (she has people in and out of the house everyday and she likes to have things look good) he thinks that that's what I should be doing. Well I DO, just not everyday. I clean off HIS desk, put away HIS dirty clothes, HIS huge ass shoes (he wears a size 16 EEEE), and I wash clothes. So what's the problem? Well I have no fucking clue.

This morning he tells me (30 minutes before he has to leave for work mind you) that he has no clean over shirts. Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it thirty minutes BEFORE he goes to work? Magically wash AND dry something for him in that amount of time? I don't think so. He asked me what laundry I did yesterday and where it was. I told him it was still in the washer cause our roommates clothes were still in the dryer (plus, it's a slow dryer, takes about two cycles for the clothes to actually be dry). So (not even fully awake yet), I went and found him a shirt. When he comes to see that it's not a shirt he wants to wear he begins to act like I've done something wrong.

Then he tells me that I need to make sure that I wash whites today because we are running low. I informed him that I was aware of this and he gets all bent out of shape "Well, I'm just saying because our whites are with all of our clean clothes". Which my response to was "What do you mean?" He went nuts! "Well the white basket with the DIRTY clothes is near the clean clothes"....I still didn't understand what he meant.

Let me give some background: We have all of our clothes in the garage, in baskets. Why? Well our roommate is transforming the garage into a room, with a closet so we can (eventually) put our clothes in. In the meantime we have all of our clothes in baskets. The white basket in this instance is in a corner of the garage and far away from any clean clothes. As far as I was concerned, that basket had not been moved. Again, I had just gotten up and from the time we went to bed last night to the time that all this happened, I was under the impression that it was still in the same spot.

I don't know if he thinks that just because we are living with someone who is constantly cleaning, that I should have no excuse in why the clothes aren't done. Well I do have "excuses".

1. She has meetings all through out the day (in the home and in the dinning room, where the machines happen to be) and I'm sure they don't want to go the whole meeting hearing the washing machine and having me go back and forth in there to move my clothes or add more.
2. She had clothes in the dryer. She knew she had clothes in the dryer. She didn't take them out or put them to cycle again. So how the HELL was I supposed to put our clothes in the dryer when her's were STILL in there?
3. I'm not a MIND READER! How the hell was I supposed to know that he didn't have any clean over shirts? (Which he did have one, by the way, he just didn't want to wear that specific one). He needs to TELL me that he's RUNNING LOW, not that he's completely out THE DAY HE HAS TO WORK!

Again, I don't know if it's because we live with someone who is a super mom, but he needs to stop thinking that this is how I'M supposed to be. He's known for the past three and a half years that this is NOT who I am, nor is this someone I WANT to be! Why do men think that just because one woman does something that ALL woman should do exactly that? It's driving me crazy, and it needs to end, soon.

A journey into the mind

My brain has been on my mind lately. Allow me to explain; I have Boraderline Personality Disorder. Well, I have not been "properly" diagnosed, you know by a doctor or anything, but the idea of the disorder was "suggested" by a therapist. For some reason, my mom thought that I was a "very depressed child". Well that was according to the counseling sheets I found one day while going through my old papers. My mom had told the counselor that I was moody, depressed, and defiant. Well yeah, I WAS SIX! And my dad and her were going through a divorce at the time. If a child whose parents are splitting up isn't depressed, then there is something MORE wrong with the child. Being depressed when you are dealing with a stressful situation is normal.

When I was 16, I have a melt down. That morning was like any other morning. I woke up, got ready and left the house without a hitch. Arrived at school and followed my normal schedule. I was in my last class when it happened. My skin was crawling and I felt like I was burning up. From there, things got worse. At some point I blacked out and I don't really remember what happened from that point on. I awoke to find myself in the hospital. My mom was there and she told me that my dad was on his way. The doctor came in and asked me if I remembered what happened. I told him what I knew, he nodded and walked away.

The next day a counselor came in and told my mom, dad and myself that she "felt" I was bi-polar. She explained what some of the symptoms of that disorder was and asked me how often things like this happened. I told her the feelings come and go, sometimes lasting a few day, sometimes lasting a few hours. She said a few other things and then she said, "Well these things happen". Just like that. With no other words, matter of factually, and walked out.

After I was released from the hospital (our insurance only let me stay there for three days) my mom took me to a therapist. After a two hour meeting with this lady (she was no doctor mind you) we came to the "suggested" diagnoses: Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I was 16, not harmful to myself or others (other than hurting my mom's feelings sometimes when I flew off the handle at her for no reason), and would go long periods without experiencing any type of symptoms, I was not put on medication. (Besides, our insurance sucked so we couldn't afford the medication anyway, it was too expensive). What I was going to do instead was go to the allowed number of meetings with this therapist that my insurance would allow. This turned out to be once a week for 6 weeks.

Now that I look back on all of this I realize, 6 weeks was NO WHERE enough time to get anywhere with this type of disorder. Yes, I still have long periods of time where I do not experience any symptoms, but when I do happen to have an "episode" (as my husband and I have come to call them) they can be pretty bad. There have been a few times when I will begin a fight out of nothing but my need (and want) to have conflict. And there have been a few times when my spells will last a week or more.

Without insurance, it is hard to put a finger on what exactly is going on. There are times when I will lie down for bed and my mind is just whirring with movement. I will begin to think of something and my mind will just float away with itself and lead me down a rabbit hole, so to speak.

Now I'm sure there are some people out there who may think that I'm just a "moody female" (and I can be, I mean I am a woman, it's natural) but let me assure you, this is MUCH more than just being "moody". Don't get me wrong, I do try different things to help and keep things in check and balanced so I am not a completely neurotic house wife, but there are days when I can't do anything to "snap" out of it.

Here are some things that I found have helped me to remain balanced (for anyone who may be wondering the same): I try and meditate once a day. I have a part of the house just for me where I have my music, candles, some white noise in the background (I like the sound of rain) and myself. I don't let myself go for more than 30 minutes but the time that I take for myself really helps when I find things are about to tense up. If, though out the day, I feel that I need to take a "time out" (again, something else my husband and I have come up with... More on that in a minute) I will go to my area (if I can. If I can't, I will make do) and try to center myself.

I also keep a daily journal, other than this blog. I use the journal to write down the journey my mind sometimes takes when things are calm (my mind is a kid, can't ever win the quiet game). I use the entries to see where exactly my mind goes and I also use it to keep as a daily logging if I ever do get an opportunity to see a doctor.

The most important tool I have is my support system. In the beginning, my mother was very stuck on the fact that I was just trying to cry out for attention because I was no longer the only child (which was so NOT the case, I adore my baby brother). These days, she's a little more understanding. My husband and I go on the principle of communication. From the beginning of the relationship he has known about this and we have a few rules, if you will, when I begin to experience any symptoms. The main rule is communication. If I feel agitated one day, we will try and figure out what is causing the aggravation. If I can't figure out why I am agitated, I will say so and we will drop it. When I feel that I need to be alone, we call it a "time out". This is when I go to my area and try to calm myself.

Some days are worse than others. And there are times when my episodes can last longer than I can deal with. But with communication and determination (and the occasional use of cannabis, but that's another post) we get through those days. Of course, there are good days too. And sometimes, they can last for long periods of time too.

Why, thank you!

I have been in school for almost three years now. Most of my classes were filled with paper after paper and so on. Week end and week out, I would be spending most of my weeks working on finding the appropriate research material, outlining all the information correctly, writing, editing, writing again, running it through the many “required” engines the school offers, writing again, having one more look, and then finally turning it in.

I don’t have much time after the completion of a paper to marvel on my good, hard, dedicated work. This is normally because I have yet another paper that I have to begin work on (not to mention the 3 or 4 chapters I have to read throughout the week as well) and it is just easier to continue on rather than take a moment to give myself some self recognition (as a psychology student I do realize that I should take the time to marvel, but, sometimes, it is better to just keep going and then take the much needed break after all the papers have been turned in).

The day I do wait for, however, is the day my professor posts the grade and feedback for the paper that I labored away at for hours (well alright, more like an hour or two, my blog, I can put a greater emphasis on what work I did). This is the time where I can see what it was that my paper lacked or had too much of. This is when I expect my professor to give me some constructive criticism, you know “this part was good, but I think you could have said it better this way…” or “good transition between paragraphs. Next time try and do this…” Anything, no matter how small, would have been greatly appreciated. Sadly, this was not the case. All I would normally get was “need to work on your grammar” or “be sure to follow APA guidelines”. That, to me, is rather vague. I mean its one thing to tell me that I have an issue with my grammar, but, along what lines? Why is my grammar an issue? Explain it to me. That way, I will know, exactly what my mistake was and how to fix it so, on the next paper, I won’t be told anything about my grammar. No, that’s all that I get, that it’s wrong. So, the next paper comes and, again, I am told that I have a problem with grammar. With no way to fix it.

That all changed with this professor. He actually gave me something that I could work with. He also surprised me. He told me that I was a great writer (no, really, that’s exactly what he said) and, here’s the best part, he gave me some good tips on how to improve my grammar! It was as easy as him taking the time to really look at my paper and then he just typed it out for me, in black and white.
After reading all the things he had to say, I was rather proud of myself. I have written a lot of papers in my time (shit, high school was actually right about something, you DO write nothing but papers in college) but I have never received any feedback like this. Well, I did, once, when I was in elementary school. But that didn’t count… I stole the story from some book or something (hey, I was a kid, I didn’t know what plagiarism was, give me a break). Either way, I had never received feedback that hit me as this one did.

There had been a point, rather recently too, in my life where I felt that I really wasn’t getting the full advantage that I should be getting from school. I began to question my chosen career field and started to feel like all I was doing was wasting everyone’s (my husband’s and mine mostly) time, money and frustration. Knowing that I am actually getting the material and putting it to use (in my own life as well) and writing good papers, is just the reassurance that I needed. I now have a pride in myself that wasn’t there before and I feel like the next paper I work on (it’s due tomorrow) will provide the same feeling for me.

Now, I do realize how silly getting feedback from a professor would make me have a renewed pride in myself sounds, but I have had a rough three years in school and in life during this journey, that I didn’t want everything to be in vain.
I now know that I am a good writer and that I really am starting to grasp the material. I just can’t wait until I can put all of this information to good use. One day...