I have decided to end this blog. Why? Well because I am not a housewife anymore and I really want to leave this part of my life behind me.
Here's what happened:
As most already know, my husband had to quit his job in order to keep his sanity. Well because of the stupid economy he took a little bit to find a replacement job. Because of this things swirled out of control. We got evicted and had to move in with a friend of ours.
For the first few weeks things were going very well. We had it good where we were living. She didn't expect anything from us that we couldn't give her. As long as we helped out with whatever we could she was fine with that.
About two weeks ago, my husband dropped a bomb on me that he wanted to have "some space" and he felt I should go to my mom's for a few days. Well I didn't let this happen. I felt that if there was something wrong, running away in our different directions was not going to solve anything. We were married after all and marriage is about working together when things get rough.
After that, things were back on track again. Or so I thought.
One day, I found out from our roommate that he was really serious about this break and if he didn't get it soon, he was just going to leave. I talked to him about things once again and he didn't tell me anything. Well nothing useful. I said things that were on my mind and I finally felt that he had actually heard me. I knew we weren't over the hump but I felt it was a step in the right direction.
On Thursday of last week (Sept 9), things came to a head. We were having a good morning, or so I thought and we were getting things done. We had received health insurance and we were on our way to getting him his much needed medications. We went to the clinic that we were assigned to and asked what we had to do to get him his prescriptions. They told us that we had to make an appointment on Friday morning for Monday morning and he could get them then.
This pissed him off and he stormed out of the clinic. I stayed behind to set up my appointment and went out to the car. When I got there I could tell that he was extremely upset and I left him alone out of respect. He asked me if my mom was home or if one of our other friends were home. I told him my mom was home and we drove over there.
When we got there, all hell broke loose. He told me we needed to talk and he said that he needed space and he wasn't going to take no for an answer. So here I am, at my mother's with nothing but my purse and it's contents. He came later that night and brought me more of my stuff. He told me that he just needed a few days to figure out what was going to happen and why he was acting the way he was. With no other choice, I gave it to him.
Friday passed without any word from him. Saturday morning and afternoon passed without any word from him. Late Saturday afternoon, I received a text message (A TEXT MESSAGE) from him saying that he couldn't do us anymore and he couldn't love someone who doubted him one minute and then tried to support him the next. I flew off the handle.
That was last week, and yet, it seems so far away. I am feeling better about things even though I really don't know anymore now than I did last week. But this is my last post as a housewife. I feel it's time for me to move on and I don't feel like taking any of the past with me.
Good-bye to the four years we had together. Good-bye readers.
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Friday, August 27, 2010
Wow, I can't believe you just said that.
Like many other married couple out there my husband and I fight. Most of the time it is just small banter back and forth about what is currently bothering us at the time. But there are times (a few more times than I would have liked) where things get rather heated. Neither of us want to fight with each other. I love how we are but when we fight, I sometimes do not even recognize my husband or myself for that moment in time. Things are said that we would not say consciously or things that we regret the moment the words leave our mouths.
In case you have not guess what this is about let me tell you; my husband and I are facing some tough times right now. With all the added stress (a new job for him where he has to prove himself, making sure we keep our new roommate happy so we still have a roof over our heads and just a basic loss of privacy) we have been on opposite sides right now when we need to be standing together so we can get through this road block. Both of us are talking to the other, but neither one of us is listening to the other. I feel he does not listen to me so I do not listen to him and vice versa.
Well things came to a head the other day and the lid just could not keep our emotions in the pot. We began by arguing about money (which is a hot topic for a lot of couples) and it went from there.
What hit me the most was a specific statement he made. At one point he simply said "I think we need a vacation from each other, maybe you should stay at your moms for a week". My first instinct was to smack him upside the head for being an idiot, but then a cooler (only slightly cooler) voice told me to just hear him out. He felt that maybe us being away from each other would help us to get over whatever was going on causing us to be fighting. He did not want to talk about it, he just wanted to lay it out there.
I just do not understand how sending me away (like a disobedient child) was going to help the situation. If I would have left (which I am NOT doing) all that would have happened was space. Nothing would have gotten dealt with or cleared up. There would still be one or two emotions that would be lingering and then the whole process of stuffing down the feelings would start all over. It may be good for a few days, weeks, months, or whatever time amount, but one day, the lid will no longer be able to keep everything in and we would be right back at square one.
A lot of other things were said and there were even some compromises of both of our parts, but I really do not feel we have accomplished anything. I still feel hurt by his willingness to just have me leave when things got complicated. I still do not understand if he felt that was something that would help why was he not the one to leave. He tells me not to over analyze the situation or other situations for that matter, but I really think I have to. I mean, if my husband thinks that us being apart is going to solve our problem, I have to really look at my own actions and wonder why he felt this was an option and talking to me was not something he thought of.
I am a woman. It is in my blood, my chemical makeup, to over analyze things. I have to look at everything and try to find where I went wrong. The only way I am going to learn from this experience is if I look back and find what was the breaking point. Once I know what happened, I can file that away and find different ways to handle certain situations. In order for us to fix what is broken, we need to know exactly what is broken, how bad it is broken and what it is going to take to fix. Besides, super glue does wear off after while, I do not want my married to fall apart in the same manner but putting a band aid on things and hope they go away for good this time.
He has been making a good effort today and I have tried to make sure I have a good day myself so I do not bombard him with a moody wife as soon as he gets home. Hopefully know he will see that I really do want this marriage to work and last. I also think that once we have a little more privacy we will being to have the ability to get some of our feelings out on the table. I am going to fight for my marriage.
In case you have not guess what this is about let me tell you; my husband and I are facing some tough times right now. With all the added stress (a new job for him where he has to prove himself, making sure we keep our new roommate happy so we still have a roof over our heads and just a basic loss of privacy) we have been on opposite sides right now when we need to be standing together so we can get through this road block. Both of us are talking to the other, but neither one of us is listening to the other. I feel he does not listen to me so I do not listen to him and vice versa.
Well things came to a head the other day and the lid just could not keep our emotions in the pot. We began by arguing about money (which is a hot topic for a lot of couples) and it went from there.
What hit me the most was a specific statement he made. At one point he simply said "I think we need a vacation from each other, maybe you should stay at your moms for a week". My first instinct was to smack him upside the head for being an idiot, but then a cooler (only slightly cooler) voice told me to just hear him out. He felt that maybe us being away from each other would help us to get over whatever was going on causing us to be fighting. He did not want to talk about it, he just wanted to lay it out there.
I just do not understand how sending me away (like a disobedient child) was going to help the situation. If I would have left (which I am NOT doing) all that would have happened was space. Nothing would have gotten dealt with or cleared up. There would still be one or two emotions that would be lingering and then the whole process of stuffing down the feelings would start all over. It may be good for a few days, weeks, months, or whatever time amount, but one day, the lid will no longer be able to keep everything in and we would be right back at square one.
A lot of other things were said and there were even some compromises of both of our parts, but I really do not feel we have accomplished anything. I still feel hurt by his willingness to just have me leave when things got complicated. I still do not understand if he felt that was something that would help why was he not the one to leave. He tells me not to over analyze the situation or other situations for that matter, but I really think I have to. I mean, if my husband thinks that us being apart is going to solve our problem, I have to really look at my own actions and wonder why he felt this was an option and talking to me was not something he thought of.
I am a woman. It is in my blood, my chemical makeup, to over analyze things. I have to look at everything and try to find where I went wrong. The only way I am going to learn from this experience is if I look back and find what was the breaking point. Once I know what happened, I can file that away and find different ways to handle certain situations. In order for us to fix what is broken, we need to know exactly what is broken, how bad it is broken and what it is going to take to fix. Besides, super glue does wear off after while, I do not want my married to fall apart in the same manner but putting a band aid on things and hope they go away for good this time.
He has been making a good effort today and I have tried to make sure I have a good day myself so I do not bombard him with a moody wife as soon as he gets home. Hopefully know he will see that I really do want this marriage to work and last. I also think that once we have a little more privacy we will being to have the ability to get some of our feelings out on the table. I am going to fight for my marriage.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
So Apperantely...
So somehow, I've transformed into a super house wife....Don't know when that happened of how I LET that happen, but happen it did. Now I just need to figure out why.
Since the beginning of out relationship, my husband has been aware that I am lazy. Yes, I said it, I am lazy....Very lazy. But the beautiful thing about our relationship was the fact that he was just as lazy. He knew from the beginning that I don't cook (well big meals, but I will make pasta or something small) and I don't wash dishes. He was fine with this. At one point he even started doing the laundry, which I don't have any problems doing, because the washers were on the other side of the complex.
Well since we've been living with someone who cleans almost all day (she has people in and out of the house everyday and she likes to have things look good) he thinks that that's what I should be doing. Well I DO, just not everyday. I clean off HIS desk, put away HIS dirty clothes, HIS huge ass shoes (he wears a size 16 EEEE), and I wash clothes. So what's the problem? Well I have no fucking clue.
This morning he tells me (30 minutes before he has to leave for work mind you) that he has no clean over shirts. Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it thirty minutes BEFORE he goes to work? Magically wash AND dry something for him in that amount of time? I don't think so. He asked me what laundry I did yesterday and where it was. I told him it was still in the washer cause our roommates clothes were still in the dryer (plus, it's a slow dryer, takes about two cycles for the clothes to actually be dry). So (not even fully awake yet), I went and found him a shirt. When he comes to see that it's not a shirt he wants to wear he begins to act like I've done something wrong.
Then he tells me that I need to make sure that I wash whites today because we are running low. I informed him that I was aware of this and he gets all bent out of shape "Well, I'm just saying because our whites are with all of our clean clothes". Which my response to was "What do you mean?" He went nuts! "Well the white basket with the DIRTY clothes is near the clean clothes"....I still didn't understand what he meant.
Let me give some background: We have all of our clothes in the garage, in baskets. Why? Well our roommate is transforming the garage into a room, with a closet so we can (eventually) put our clothes in. In the meantime we have all of our clothes in baskets. The white basket in this instance is in a corner of the garage and far away from any clean clothes. As far as I was concerned, that basket had not been moved. Again, I had just gotten up and from the time we went to bed last night to the time that all this happened, I was under the impression that it was still in the same spot.
I don't know if he thinks that just because we are living with someone who is constantly cleaning, that I should have no excuse in why the clothes aren't done. Well I do have "excuses".
1. She has meetings all through out the day (in the home and in the dinning room, where the machines happen to be) and I'm sure they don't want to go the whole meeting hearing the washing machine and having me go back and forth in there to move my clothes or add more.
2. She had clothes in the dryer. She knew she had clothes in the dryer. She didn't take them out or put them to cycle again. So how the HELL was I supposed to put our clothes in the dryer when her's were STILL in there?
3. I'm not a MIND READER! How the hell was I supposed to know that he didn't have any clean over shirts? (Which he did have one, by the way, he just didn't want to wear that specific one). He needs to TELL me that he's RUNNING LOW, not that he's completely out THE DAY HE HAS TO WORK!
Again, I don't know if it's because we live with someone who is a super mom, but he needs to stop thinking that this is how I'M supposed to be. He's known for the past three and a half years that this is NOT who I am, nor is this someone I WANT to be! Why do men think that just because one woman does something that ALL woman should do exactly that? It's driving me crazy, and it needs to end, soon.
Since the beginning of out relationship, my husband has been aware that I am lazy. Yes, I said it, I am lazy....Very lazy. But the beautiful thing about our relationship was the fact that he was just as lazy. He knew from the beginning that I don't cook (well big meals, but I will make pasta or something small) and I don't wash dishes. He was fine with this. At one point he even started doing the laundry, which I don't have any problems doing, because the washers were on the other side of the complex.
Well since we've been living with someone who cleans almost all day (she has people in and out of the house everyday and she likes to have things look good) he thinks that that's what I should be doing. Well I DO, just not everyday. I clean off HIS desk, put away HIS dirty clothes, HIS huge ass shoes (he wears a size 16 EEEE), and I wash clothes. So what's the problem? Well I have no fucking clue.
This morning he tells me (30 minutes before he has to leave for work mind you) that he has no clean over shirts. Well what the hell am I supposed to do about it thirty minutes BEFORE he goes to work? Magically wash AND dry something for him in that amount of time? I don't think so. He asked me what laundry I did yesterday and where it was. I told him it was still in the washer cause our roommates clothes were still in the dryer (plus, it's a slow dryer, takes about two cycles for the clothes to actually be dry). So (not even fully awake yet), I went and found him a shirt. When he comes to see that it's not a shirt he wants to wear he begins to act like I've done something wrong.
Then he tells me that I need to make sure that I wash whites today because we are running low. I informed him that I was aware of this and he gets all bent out of shape "Well, I'm just saying because our whites are with all of our clean clothes". Which my response to was "What do you mean?" He went nuts! "Well the white basket with the DIRTY clothes is near the clean clothes"....I still didn't understand what he meant.
Let me give some background: We have all of our clothes in the garage, in baskets. Why? Well our roommate is transforming the garage into a room, with a closet so we can (eventually) put our clothes in. In the meantime we have all of our clothes in baskets. The white basket in this instance is in a corner of the garage and far away from any clean clothes. As far as I was concerned, that basket had not been moved. Again, I had just gotten up and from the time we went to bed last night to the time that all this happened, I was under the impression that it was still in the same spot.
I don't know if he thinks that just because we are living with someone who is constantly cleaning, that I should have no excuse in why the clothes aren't done. Well I do have "excuses".
1. She has meetings all through out the day (in the home and in the dinning room, where the machines happen to be) and I'm sure they don't want to go the whole meeting hearing the washing machine and having me go back and forth in there to move my clothes or add more.
2. She had clothes in the dryer. She knew she had clothes in the dryer. She didn't take them out or put them to cycle again. So how the HELL was I supposed to put our clothes in the dryer when her's were STILL in there?
3. I'm not a MIND READER! How the hell was I supposed to know that he didn't have any clean over shirts? (Which he did have one, by the way, he just didn't want to wear that specific one). He needs to TELL me that he's RUNNING LOW, not that he's completely out THE DAY HE HAS TO WORK!
Again, I don't know if it's because we live with someone who is a super mom, but he needs to stop thinking that this is how I'M supposed to be. He's known for the past three and a half years that this is NOT who I am, nor is this someone I WANT to be! Why do men think that just because one woman does something that ALL woman should do exactly that? It's driving me crazy, and it needs to end, soon.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
A journey into the mind
My brain has been on my mind lately. Allow me to explain; I have Boraderline Personality Disorder. Well, I have not been "properly" diagnosed, you know by a doctor or anything, but the idea of the disorder was "suggested" by a therapist. For some reason, my mom thought that I was a "very depressed child". Well that was according to the counseling sheets I found one day while going through my old papers. My mom had told the counselor that I was moody, depressed, and defiant. Well yeah, I WAS SIX! And my dad and her were going through a divorce at the time. If a child whose parents are splitting up isn't depressed, then there is something MORE wrong with the child. Being depressed when you are dealing with a stressful situation is normal.
When I was 16, I have a melt down. That morning was like any other morning. I woke up, got ready and left the house without a hitch. Arrived at school and followed my normal schedule. I was in my last class when it happened. My skin was crawling and I felt like I was burning up. From there, things got worse. At some point I blacked out and I don't really remember what happened from that point on. I awoke to find myself in the hospital. My mom was there and she told me that my dad was on his way. The doctor came in and asked me if I remembered what happened. I told him what I knew, he nodded and walked away.
The next day a counselor came in and told my mom, dad and myself that she "felt" I was bi-polar. She explained what some of the symptoms of that disorder was and asked me how often things like this happened. I told her the feelings come and go, sometimes lasting a few day, sometimes lasting a few hours. She said a few other things and then she said, "Well these things happen". Just like that. With no other words, matter of factually, and walked out.
After I was released from the hospital (our insurance only let me stay there for three days) my mom took me to a therapist. After a two hour meeting with this lady (she was no doctor mind you) we came to the "suggested" diagnoses: Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I was 16, not harmful to myself or others (other than hurting my mom's feelings sometimes when I flew off the handle at her for no reason), and would go long periods without experiencing any type of symptoms, I was not put on medication. (Besides, our insurance sucked so we couldn't afford the medication anyway, it was too expensive). What I was going to do instead was go to the allowed number of meetings with this therapist that my insurance would allow. This turned out to be once a week for 6 weeks.
Now that I look back on all of this I realize, 6 weeks was NO WHERE enough time to get anywhere with this type of disorder. Yes, I still have long periods of time where I do not experience any symptoms, but when I do happen to have an "episode" (as my husband and I have come to call them) they can be pretty bad. There have been a few times when I will begin a fight out of nothing but my need (and want) to have conflict. And there have been a few times when my spells will last a week or more.
Without insurance, it is hard to put a finger on what exactly is going on. There are times when I will lie down for bed and my mind is just whirring with movement. I will begin to think of something and my mind will just float away with itself and lead me down a rabbit hole, so to speak.
Now I'm sure there are some people out there who may think that I'm just a "moody female" (and I can be, I mean I am a woman, it's natural) but let me assure you, this is MUCH more than just being "moody". Don't get me wrong, I do try different things to help and keep things in check and balanced so I am not a completely neurotic house wife, but there are days when I can't do anything to "snap" out of it.
Here are some things that I found have helped me to remain balanced (for anyone who may be wondering the same): I try and meditate once a day. I have a part of the house just for me where I have my music, candles, some white noise in the background (I like the sound of rain) and myself. I don't let myself go for more than 30 minutes but the time that I take for myself really helps when I find things are about to tense up. If, though out the day, I feel that I need to take a "time out" (again, something else my husband and I have come up with... More on that in a minute) I will go to my area (if I can. If I can't, I will make do) and try to center myself.
I also keep a daily journal, other than this blog. I use the journal to write down the journey my mind sometimes takes when things are calm (my mind is a kid, can't ever win the quiet game). I use the entries to see where exactly my mind goes and I also use it to keep as a daily logging if I ever do get an opportunity to see a doctor.
The most important tool I have is my support system. In the beginning, my mother was very stuck on the fact that I was just trying to cry out for attention because I was no longer the only child (which was so NOT the case, I adore my baby brother). These days, she's a little more understanding. My husband and I go on the principle of communication. From the beginning of the relationship he has known about this and we have a few rules, if you will, when I begin to experience any symptoms. The main rule is communication. If I feel agitated one day, we will try and figure out what is causing the aggravation. If I can't figure out why I am agitated, I will say so and we will drop it. When I feel that I need to be alone, we call it a "time out". This is when I go to my area and try to calm myself.
Some days are worse than others. And there are times when my episodes can last longer than I can deal with. But with communication and determination (and the occasional use of cannabis, but that's another post) we get through those days. Of course, there are good days too. And sometimes, they can last for long periods of time too.
When I was 16, I have a melt down. That morning was like any other morning. I woke up, got ready and left the house without a hitch. Arrived at school and followed my normal schedule. I was in my last class when it happened. My skin was crawling and I felt like I was burning up. From there, things got worse. At some point I blacked out and I don't really remember what happened from that point on. I awoke to find myself in the hospital. My mom was there and she told me that my dad was on his way. The doctor came in and asked me if I remembered what happened. I told him what I knew, he nodded and walked away.
The next day a counselor came in and told my mom, dad and myself that she "felt" I was bi-polar. She explained what some of the symptoms of that disorder was and asked me how often things like this happened. I told her the feelings come and go, sometimes lasting a few day, sometimes lasting a few hours. She said a few other things and then she said, "Well these things happen". Just like that. With no other words, matter of factually, and walked out.
After I was released from the hospital (our insurance only let me stay there for three days) my mom took me to a therapist. After a two hour meeting with this lady (she was no doctor mind you) we came to the "suggested" diagnoses: Boarderline Personality Disorder. Because I was 16, not harmful to myself or others (other than hurting my mom's feelings sometimes when I flew off the handle at her for no reason), and would go long periods without experiencing any type of symptoms, I was not put on medication. (Besides, our insurance sucked so we couldn't afford the medication anyway, it was too expensive). What I was going to do instead was go to the allowed number of meetings with this therapist that my insurance would allow. This turned out to be once a week for 6 weeks.
Now that I look back on all of this I realize, 6 weeks was NO WHERE enough time to get anywhere with this type of disorder. Yes, I still have long periods of time where I do not experience any symptoms, but when I do happen to have an "episode" (as my husband and I have come to call them) they can be pretty bad. There have been a few times when I will begin a fight out of nothing but my need (and want) to have conflict. And there have been a few times when my spells will last a week or more.
Without insurance, it is hard to put a finger on what exactly is going on. There are times when I will lie down for bed and my mind is just whirring with movement. I will begin to think of something and my mind will just float away with itself and lead me down a rabbit hole, so to speak.
Now I'm sure there are some people out there who may think that I'm just a "moody female" (and I can be, I mean I am a woman, it's natural) but let me assure you, this is MUCH more than just being "moody". Don't get me wrong, I do try different things to help and keep things in check and balanced so I am not a completely neurotic house wife, but there are days when I can't do anything to "snap" out of it.
Here are some things that I found have helped me to remain balanced (for anyone who may be wondering the same): I try and meditate once a day. I have a part of the house just for me where I have my music, candles, some white noise in the background (I like the sound of rain) and myself. I don't let myself go for more than 30 minutes but the time that I take for myself really helps when I find things are about to tense up. If, though out the day, I feel that I need to take a "time out" (again, something else my husband and I have come up with... More on that in a minute) I will go to my area (if I can. If I can't, I will make do) and try to center myself.
I also keep a daily journal, other than this blog. I use the journal to write down the journey my mind sometimes takes when things are calm (my mind is a kid, can't ever win the quiet game). I use the entries to see where exactly my mind goes and I also use it to keep as a daily logging if I ever do get an opportunity to see a doctor.
The most important tool I have is my support system. In the beginning, my mother was very stuck on the fact that I was just trying to cry out for attention because I was no longer the only child (which was so NOT the case, I adore my baby brother). These days, she's a little more understanding. My husband and I go on the principle of communication. From the beginning of the relationship he has known about this and we have a few rules, if you will, when I begin to experience any symptoms. The main rule is communication. If I feel agitated one day, we will try and figure out what is causing the aggravation. If I can't figure out why I am agitated, I will say so and we will drop it. When I feel that I need to be alone, we call it a "time out". This is when I go to my area and try to calm myself.
Some days are worse than others. And there are times when my episodes can last longer than I can deal with. But with communication and determination (and the occasional use of cannabis, but that's another post) we get through those days. Of course, there are good days too. And sometimes, they can last for long periods of time too.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Why, thank you!
I have been in school for almost three years now. Most of my classes were filled with paper after paper and so on. Week end and week out, I would be spending most of my weeks working on finding the appropriate research material, outlining all the information correctly, writing, editing, writing again, running it through the many “required” engines the school offers, writing again, having one more look, and then finally turning it in.
I don’t have much time after the completion of a paper to marvel on my good, hard, dedicated work. This is normally because I have yet another paper that I have to begin work on (not to mention the 3 or 4 chapters I have to read throughout the week as well) and it is just easier to continue on rather than take a moment to give myself some self recognition (as a psychology student I do realize that I should take the time to marvel, but, sometimes, it is better to just keep going and then take the much needed break after all the papers have been turned in).
The day I do wait for, however, is the day my professor posts the grade and feedback for the paper that I labored away at for hours (well alright, more like an hour or two, my blog, I can put a greater emphasis on what work I did). This is the time where I can see what it was that my paper lacked or had too much of. This is when I expect my professor to give me some constructive criticism, you know “this part was good, but I think you could have said it better this way…” or “good transition between paragraphs. Next time try and do this…” Anything, no matter how small, would have been greatly appreciated. Sadly, this was not the case. All I would normally get was “need to work on your grammar” or “be sure to follow APA guidelines”. That, to me, is rather vague. I mean its one thing to tell me that I have an issue with my grammar, but, along what lines? Why is my grammar an issue? Explain it to me. That way, I will know, exactly what my mistake was and how to fix it so, on the next paper, I won’t be told anything about my grammar. No, that’s all that I get, that it’s wrong. So, the next paper comes and, again, I am told that I have a problem with grammar. With no way to fix it.
That all changed with this professor. He actually gave me something that I could work with. He also surprised me. He told me that I was a great writer (no, really, that’s exactly what he said) and, here’s the best part, he gave me some good tips on how to improve my grammar! It was as easy as him taking the time to really look at my paper and then he just typed it out for me, in black and white.
After reading all the things he had to say, I was rather proud of myself. I have written a lot of papers in my time (shit, high school was actually right about something, you DO write nothing but papers in college) but I have never received any feedback like this. Well, I did, once, when I was in elementary school. But that didn’t count… I stole the story from some book or something (hey, I was a kid, I didn’t know what plagiarism was, give me a break). Either way, I had never received feedback that hit me as this one did.
There had been a point, rather recently too, in my life where I felt that I really wasn’t getting the full advantage that I should be getting from school. I began to question my chosen career field and started to feel like all I was doing was wasting everyone’s (my husband’s and mine mostly) time, money and frustration. Knowing that I am actually getting the material and putting it to use (in my own life as well) and writing good papers, is just the reassurance that I needed. I now have a pride in myself that wasn’t there before and I feel like the next paper I work on (it’s due tomorrow) will provide the same feeling for me.
Now, I do realize how silly getting feedback from a professor would make me have a renewed pride in myself sounds, but I have had a rough three years in school and in life during this journey, that I didn’t want everything to be in vain.
I now know that I am a good writer and that I really am starting to grasp the material. I just can’t wait until I can put all of this information to good use. One day...
I don’t have much time after the completion of a paper to marvel on my good, hard, dedicated work. This is normally because I have yet another paper that I have to begin work on (not to mention the 3 or 4 chapters I have to read throughout the week as well) and it is just easier to continue on rather than take a moment to give myself some self recognition (as a psychology student I do realize that I should take the time to marvel, but, sometimes, it is better to just keep going and then take the much needed break after all the papers have been turned in).
The day I do wait for, however, is the day my professor posts the grade and feedback for the paper that I labored away at for hours (well alright, more like an hour or two, my blog, I can put a greater emphasis on what work I did). This is the time where I can see what it was that my paper lacked or had too much of. This is when I expect my professor to give me some constructive criticism, you know “this part was good, but I think you could have said it better this way…” or “good transition between paragraphs. Next time try and do this…” Anything, no matter how small, would have been greatly appreciated. Sadly, this was not the case. All I would normally get was “need to work on your grammar” or “be sure to follow APA guidelines”. That, to me, is rather vague. I mean its one thing to tell me that I have an issue with my grammar, but, along what lines? Why is my grammar an issue? Explain it to me. That way, I will know, exactly what my mistake was and how to fix it so, on the next paper, I won’t be told anything about my grammar. No, that’s all that I get, that it’s wrong. So, the next paper comes and, again, I am told that I have a problem with grammar. With no way to fix it.
That all changed with this professor. He actually gave me something that I could work with. He also surprised me. He told me that I was a great writer (no, really, that’s exactly what he said) and, here’s the best part, he gave me some good tips on how to improve my grammar! It was as easy as him taking the time to really look at my paper and then he just typed it out for me, in black and white.
After reading all the things he had to say, I was rather proud of myself. I have written a lot of papers in my time (shit, high school was actually right about something, you DO write nothing but papers in college) but I have never received any feedback like this. Well, I did, once, when I was in elementary school. But that didn’t count… I stole the story from some book or something (hey, I was a kid, I didn’t know what plagiarism was, give me a break). Either way, I had never received feedback that hit me as this one did.
There had been a point, rather recently too, in my life where I felt that I really wasn’t getting the full advantage that I should be getting from school. I began to question my chosen career field and started to feel like all I was doing was wasting everyone’s (my husband’s and mine mostly) time, money and frustration. Knowing that I am actually getting the material and putting it to use (in my own life as well) and writing good papers, is just the reassurance that I needed. I now have a pride in myself that wasn’t there before and I feel like the next paper I work on (it’s due tomorrow) will provide the same feeling for me.
Now, I do realize how silly getting feedback from a professor would make me have a renewed pride in myself sounds, but I have had a rough three years in school and in life during this journey, that I didn’t want everything to be in vain.
I now know that I am a good writer and that I really am starting to grasp the material. I just can’t wait until I can put all of this information to good use. One day...
Friday, July 30, 2010
Letter to my body.
Dear Body,
Hi there! It's me! So, we've known each other for a long time now, 25 years to be exact. And I feel comfortable in saying that I have come to know you rather well over the years. I know when you are hungry. I know when you are tired. I know when you don't want to get out of bed. I know when you want to just jump up and run a mile, then you quickly get a reminder from your downstairs neighbor Mr. Kneecap that he is still (and will always be) messed up from the surgery SEVEN YEARS AGO! I know when you are feeling ill, and strangely, I can honestly say that I feel your pain, literally.
Anyway, my point is, I know you. Sometimes, I know you better than you know yourself. Because I know you and we have had this wonderful (sometimes painful) relationship for so long, I feel that I should be the one to tell you what has been on a lot of people's minds. What the HELL is wrong with you?
And before you get all upset and hurt (really, I can't handle that tonight, please and thanks), let me explain that I mean this with all the love and adoration possible. I am your friend and I have been beginning to see that you have a problem. At first it started off small and then it went away at one point. When it came back the second time, I said to myself that you would kick it again this time. And you did... for a very little while.
This is the third time. I, for one, cannot let this continue. As one of your closest friends (I know, you don't have many) I feel that it is my job, no my right, to tell you that you need to get some help. Or at least get your priorities straight to begin with.
You need to find away to being to function properly, without your little lapses from time to time. This time needs to be final, as in no more. I will not stand for the sleepless nights. I will not stand for the constant trips to the bathroom (no matter if it just for you to pee, I don't know what you can get into in there alone). I WILL NOT stand the CONSTANT interruptions right when something "personal" is about to happen (this REALLY has happened for the last time, next time you do that, I'll....I'll...well I'll do SOMETHING!@).
Bottom line, I'm putting my foot down (or your foot, whatever) and I will not let this ruin you! From this moment on you are going to take vitamins daily! You will watch what you eat (and I don't mean looking at it then eating it....p o r t i o n s, PORTIONS!) and you will drink more water! You now have a limit on the amount of sugar you can eat each day (and to Mrs. Sweet tooth, this is not up for discussion, it WILL happen). I have also come up with a plan to get you and Mr. Kneecap back into a well working relationship (I think that will work best for everyone in the end) and you two will be spending more time doing activities together.
I hope you don't find my new rules to demanding. And if you do, to bad. I will be there (with other by my side) to make sure that you do EXACTLY what you are supposed to do, everyday. Well alright, I may let you slide a little one day of the week, but that all depends on how you do DURING the week.
Well that is all for now, I should go and let you get your rest now. You are going to need it... In the morning, HELL begins!
No, just kidding! It won't be hell, but it won't be easy either. Hang in there and we will get through this.
Love,
Me
P.S- And NO! You CANNOT have that sandwich you wanted to get before you went to bed! Don't do it...
Hi there! It's me! So, we've known each other for a long time now, 25 years to be exact. And I feel comfortable in saying that I have come to know you rather well over the years. I know when you are hungry. I know when you are tired. I know when you don't want to get out of bed. I know when you want to just jump up and run a mile, then you quickly get a reminder from your downstairs neighbor Mr. Kneecap that he is still (and will always be) messed up from the surgery SEVEN YEARS AGO! I know when you are feeling ill, and strangely, I can honestly say that I feel your pain, literally.
Anyway, my point is, I know you. Sometimes, I know you better than you know yourself. Because I know you and we have had this wonderful (sometimes painful) relationship for so long, I feel that I should be the one to tell you what has been on a lot of people's minds. What the HELL is wrong with you?
And before you get all upset and hurt (really, I can't handle that tonight, please and thanks), let me explain that I mean this with all the love and adoration possible. I am your friend and I have been beginning to see that you have a problem. At first it started off small and then it went away at one point. When it came back the second time, I said to myself that you would kick it again this time. And you did... for a very little while.
This is the third time. I, for one, cannot let this continue. As one of your closest friends (I know, you don't have many) I feel that it is my job, no my right, to tell you that you need to get some help. Or at least get your priorities straight to begin with.
You need to find away to being to function properly, without your little lapses from time to time. This time needs to be final, as in no more. I will not stand for the sleepless nights. I will not stand for the constant trips to the bathroom (no matter if it just for you to pee, I don't know what you can get into in there alone). I WILL NOT stand the CONSTANT interruptions right when something "personal" is about to happen (this REALLY has happened for the last time, next time you do that, I'll....I'll...well I'll do SOMETHING!@).
Bottom line, I'm putting my foot down (or your foot, whatever) and I will not let this ruin you! From this moment on you are going to take vitamins daily! You will watch what you eat (and I don't mean looking at it then eating it....p o r t i o n s, PORTIONS!) and you will drink more water! You now have a limit on the amount of sugar you can eat each day (and to Mrs. Sweet tooth, this is not up for discussion, it WILL happen). I have also come up with a plan to get you and Mr. Kneecap back into a well working relationship (I think that will work best for everyone in the end) and you two will be spending more time doing activities together.
I hope you don't find my new rules to demanding. And if you do, to bad. I will be there (with other by my side) to make sure that you do EXACTLY what you are supposed to do, everyday. Well alright, I may let you slide a little one day of the week, but that all depends on how you do DURING the week.
Well that is all for now, I should go and let you get your rest now. You are going to need it... In the morning, HELL begins!
No, just kidding! It won't be hell, but it won't be easy either. Hang in there and we will get through this.
Love,
Me
P.S- And NO! You CANNOT have that sandwich you wanted to get before you went to bed! Don't do it...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, now you're gonna get it!
What is going on with people today? I mean, does no one realize what the meaning of the word marriage means anymore? Why is it that women always want what they can't have? I'll tell you why, because we were all raised to be princesses who get everything the want no matter the cost. Well at least that's what someone of us believed. For the others who think that this is still true: GROW UP! Now I know that there are a lot of people out there who don't want to get married and will stay in a "common law" marriage (depending on what state you live in) for the rest of their lives, so when something bad happens, you just go your separate ways and move on from the situation. Or you fight for a little bit, have a few people in between, make up and put all the people you screwed while you were "taking a break" behind you.
Well marriage is different. Not only is divorce EXPENSIVE, but it's ugly. All the things that nasty things that get thrown around, and then there's the shit talking on top of all of that. Bring kids into the mix, and things just get worse. Marriage is something that I, like most people, do not take for granted. I did that the first time around and I ended being separated from my husband before I was 20 (yes I know that I was young, sue me). I knew that this time around I wasn't going to let anyone, myself included, mess up my marriage. Well I bust my ass to make sure that my man is happy, but I guess there are just some bitches out there, and (let's face it) men, who don't know when to say NO! And I lump men into that category because some of them think with the wrong head when it comes to important situations.
I understand that mistakes can (and do) happen. I understand that no one is perfect. What I do not and may never understand, is how a man (and many women) can think that if they are sneaking around, they WON'T GET CAUGHT! Again, I understand people make mistakes. Yeah, the mistake of thinking they are immune to getting caught or into trouble. The bulk of this post is mainly thrown towards one person (female), but it has to do with all men and women who think with the wrong part of their body.
Oh yes, and it is not wise to lie to someone who knows you better than you know yourself! If this person knows the kind of sounds that come out of your body while you sleep at night, then they will know that you are lying. Plain and simple. They know how you sound when you are fishing for the words to say that will (hopefully) get across that you are not trying to cover something you just did wrong. Let me give an example. A mom walks into the room just as the soccer ball crashes into the lamp. The only one around is the son (or daughter) who 1. looks like he (or she) just did something wrong 2. their eyes are darting all across the room looking for someone else to blame. Once they realize that there is no one else there and Mom pretty much saw everything she needed to see, it's time to think......quickly. This is when the sweating starts, the trying to suck up kicks in (giving hugs, trying to give kisses, or saying something completely random that has nothing to do with said task at hand just to try and get your mind off of the fact that something wrong has been done), or fumbling with words as they say them (when you know damn well that they are completely capable of forming complete sentences even when under the extremest pressure).
Mom's and Wives are one in the same when it comes to knowing their children and husband. They know when they are lying. So the next time I say that what I walked into the kitchen on, was not really what you said had happened (cause I know for damn sure you didn't "fall into her"), you will know that I'm dead serious when I tell you to get the hell on the sofa, cause you are NOT getting anymore privileges. Maybe you should go to "her" house, she may be able to get you everything you are not getting from me. But be careful, if her boyfriend finds out, I won't be the least of your worries.
I'm just saying.
Well marriage is different. Not only is divorce EXPENSIVE, but it's ugly. All the things that nasty things that get thrown around, and then there's the shit talking on top of all of that. Bring kids into the mix, and things just get worse. Marriage is something that I, like most people, do not take for granted. I did that the first time around and I ended being separated from my husband before I was 20 (yes I know that I was young, sue me). I knew that this time around I wasn't going to let anyone, myself included, mess up my marriage. Well I bust my ass to make sure that my man is happy, but I guess there are just some bitches out there, and (let's face it) men, who don't know when to say NO! And I lump men into that category because some of them think with the wrong head when it comes to important situations.
I understand that mistakes can (and do) happen. I understand that no one is perfect. What I do not and may never understand, is how a man (and many women) can think that if they are sneaking around, they WON'T GET CAUGHT! Again, I understand people make mistakes. Yeah, the mistake of thinking they are immune to getting caught or into trouble. The bulk of this post is mainly thrown towards one person (female), but it has to do with all men and women who think with the wrong part of their body.
Oh yes, and it is not wise to lie to someone who knows you better than you know yourself! If this person knows the kind of sounds that come out of your body while you sleep at night, then they will know that you are lying. Plain and simple. They know how you sound when you are fishing for the words to say that will (hopefully) get across that you are not trying to cover something you just did wrong. Let me give an example. A mom walks into the room just as the soccer ball crashes into the lamp. The only one around is the son (or daughter) who 1. looks like he (or she) just did something wrong 2. their eyes are darting all across the room looking for someone else to blame. Once they realize that there is no one else there and Mom pretty much saw everything she needed to see, it's time to think......quickly. This is when the sweating starts, the trying to suck up kicks in (giving hugs, trying to give kisses, or saying something completely random that has nothing to do with said task at hand just to try and get your mind off of the fact that something wrong has been done), or fumbling with words as they say them (when you know damn well that they are completely capable of forming complete sentences even when under the extremest pressure).
Mom's and Wives are one in the same when it comes to knowing their children and husband. They know when they are lying. So the next time I say that what I walked into the kitchen on, was not really what you said had happened (cause I know for damn sure you didn't "fall into her"), you will know that I'm dead serious when I tell you to get the hell on the sofa, cause you are NOT getting anymore privileges. Maybe you should go to "her" house, she may be able to get you everything you are not getting from me. But be careful, if her boyfriend finds out, I won't be the least of your worries.
I'm just saying.
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